SEPTEMBER 29: SUMMER HOLIDAY

Have you ever listened to Cliff Richard's Living Doll? At one point, he mentions how he wants to like, bury the titular living doll in a trunk or something. Seriously weird vibes.

Anyway, tonight's show opens with dipshit-turned-bar manager Brodie potentially wooing a bunch of slurring businessmen. Oh hang on, actually Sophie owns the bar now? Yeah it's definitely a worthwhile move entrusting a bar to a journalist seductress weirdo. Also, there's this weird British guy who's just chilling in the bar marking snarky comments to Brodie about the businessmen the whole time? What is this shit

Oh yeah Sarah's real bummed because Daniel (who is not on the show) has been bitten by a snake or something



Anyway Tania's put on a sumptuous feast to try and seduce surgical hunk TK Samuels but TK's too concerned about Sarah's non-existent snake-ridden son, and doesn't turn up. Without telling here, because he's real smooth

Sophie's at the hospital and Callum asks her if she wants a lift to the IV. I've always been under the impression the IV is over the road from the hospital, what kind of shitty favour is that? Yeah dad thanks for wasting my time and yours

Turns out Daniel's been bitten by a snake called "blue viper" which sounds like a gay biker-themed stripper to me, but whatever. This incredibly exciting storyline is acted out entirely by Sarah and TK acting real hard into cellphones in some shitty dingy room

Back at the bar (which is over the road from the hospital) I think we're meant to assume a lot of time has passed, and now the cabal of businessmen are well drunk. That strange lone British man in a suit is still lurking around the bar for whatever reason and let me tell you, he is not impressed:



We see him go upstairs, while Brodie goes and gives the businessmen some more alcohol. The businessmen thank him for upselling him a hotel room upstairs, because that's what normal people do and give him a $50 note. Never mind these businessmen all look like they're fresh from appearing in district court on minor offence charges:



Look at that greedy creep in the middle. Fuck.

Sappic wisdom source Nicole is bagging on Tania and TK's sudden, shitty, inexplicable romance, and now Tania's all bummed. We know this, because Shortland Street's "sad music" plays.

The next scene opens with a look of pure distain from that horse-faced bartender extra:



She's grumpy about those drunken businessmen injecting some serious cash into the IV's coffers and she's not alone - that fucking British suit guy is back in the bar too for a glass of delicious water. I mean it's not like he's staying in a hotel room upstairs, where they have taps or anything. Jesus.

British guy is all "I thought you were closing" and Brodie's like "oh yeah I was" and British is all "MAKE YOUR DECISION". Jesus you British creep, no one asked for your opinion. Anyway, Brodie supplies the businessmen with three bottles of wine (BUT HE'S NOT A LICENSED WHOLESALER) and sends the delightful drunks out onto the streets. But of course, that British loser has something snarky to add.

But at least we get some sweet Brooke action in the next scene, as she advises Tania that TK's heart belongs to supple, supple Sarah, a fact she is clearly very proud of:



Ohman and now Sophie and Bella are best friends inexplicably and that fucking British suit guy is Bella's boss? And he's all "make me some spreadsheets" and she's freaking out because you know, she came on the show like last week or something and doesn't know how to to shit

She needs eyebrows, but more importantly check out Sophie's sweet top in the background



Anyway it seems this British guy (his name is Leo, it conspires) has inspired a chilling vendetta in Sophie, who decides it's totally her place to take that sucker down

Those businessmen make their chilling return, this time in stretchers at the hospital. Remember don't drink!

Sophie has mixed feelings about Brodie's management skills:



If British guy hates the IV bar so much why is he always there? Then Sophie does this real weird bit where she does some strange girlish giggle, then stony seriousness in the space of about two seconds. Why?




Actually the one where she's laughing looks more like she's grimacing in pain but you know, she is on Shortland Street.



Sophie goes snooping on Bella's behalf and finds Leo's real into Sudoku. But only easy level, because he's a fucking dipshit. Also, there have been like three Sophie scenes in a row at this point, and since when did she become such a heavy hitter?

Meanwhile TK and Tania's bumbling romance continues as she tells him their dinner date won't be anticlimactic - instead, it will be "extremely climactic" LOL DOUBLE SEQUITUR

British guy is all appalled at the businessmen's presence in the hospital, and sees his chance - he pounces at Callum, telling him his 18-year-old daughter who owns a bar is somewhat irresponsible GUUHHHHH

Anyway Callum goes and gets in a grump at Sophie and stuff. Wish I could go around yelling at barely legal bar managers.

Tania and TK's hot dinner date is going well. She's all "that was delicious" and he's like "wait till you see what I've got for you next.." and then lowers his voice real husky and is like "DESSERT" and I guess it's meant to make the ladies swoon, but it's actually incredibly threatening and creepy

Thankfully, dessert never happens, courtesy of an appopriately-timed phone call from Sarah, who looms large even though she's in Indonesia looking after her failed son and his "blue viper" woes.

And Tania's just thrilled about the phonecall for whatever reason



But not so thrilled, because she promptly dumps TK as soon as he's off the phone. No dessert!

TK looks predictably smouldering, hungry for dessert all the same.



Anyway the episode ends here and now I'm just gonna copy and paste some wisdom, courtesy of the actor who plays Sophie's Twitter:

Ballet with my mummy!

Feeling inspired.. Reading a mag with bikinis in it... Does this mean I can get excited for Summer .. Too late I am.. Bikini shopping!!

Sooooooooo full ... Indian takeaways for dinner! Yum .. Need Green tea please!!

OH HOLY SHIT WHAT THE HELL IS THIS

Lessons in crime: Tuesday 28th September

I had better start by saying that I haven't seen an episode of shortland street in maybe a week? I have no clue what's going on save for being told that there is some shit about a stolen bike and mistaken bike-dentity? If this is what I think it is then this storyline has already been covered in 1993 by Full House:
The Bicycle Thief Episode.

Synopsis:
"A bicycle watch group is formed when Michelle reports that her bicycle is stolen. In a strange turn of events Danny, Jesse and Joey turn into the thieves by mistake".



"Michelle tells the family that her bicycle is missing, so the family starts a search for it. Later on, Danny, Jesse, and Joey have each brought home a bicycle that looks like Michelle's, but it turns out that none of the three bikes belong to Michelle. At the same time, the disappearances of the three bikes is being investigated by Crime Catchers, a neighborhood watch program led by Mrs. Carruthers, who works at the school Michelle goes to. After the 3 bikes are returned to their rightful owners, it turns out that Michelle had forgotten that she left her own bike at Derek's house".



I know this isn't a picture of a bicycle but there is a donkey or something.
While researching this information for accuracy (this blog is all about accuracy) I found this potentially fantastic website

http://fullhousereviewed.wordpress.com/page/2/
I don't know how to link this properly. Please do go to the effort of copy and pasting this into your searchy bar thing. I think you will find it well worth it. Actually you may want to just close this blog and go read the other blog until you fall asleep. It's that absorbing. Please don't though. I need validation.

Since we are discussing the fullest of houses check out this creeptastic/mindblowing video



Anyway, back to current bike storylines. Something with Ula and Wendy-kid and Chris-kid stealing someone's bike but the wrong bike and Ula was seen and so the paper was all



And since I am not the journalist here I can't say for sure but I am PRETTY sure this is not standard practice... The Ferndale Gazette (?) must have very low standards/oh I forgot that Sophie used to work for them without any qualifications/probably just interviewed her friends about their daily goingsabout and/or potential defamations they would like to make.

I don't know anything about defamation. I am just really anti the Ferndale Gazette right now. Bunch of right wing pricks. I am assuming.

Anyway, Maxwell and Sarah grill Ula about the whole bike/water thing and Sarah makes these faces





She really needs a good rest and a break from all this family crap. Wasn't that the reason she ditched TK? Now she has Ula to deal with who won't stop either bullying, vandalising, starting gay rumours or lusting after rural sons of rich surgeons. That can't be good for the old MS.

It seems that since last time I watched Isaac and Tania have split up? Good I guess? Now Isaac can maybe go bone Brooke? She's more his type I think.


Meanwhile, over at Millionaire Mansion Wendy-kid comes over to see Chris-Kid. Wendy-kid tries to convince Chris-Kid not to do anything and keep their dirty little secret. He makes a pretty strong case if these faces are anything to go by







And now for SOME reason Bella (that despicable receptionist fruit of Wendy's angry loins) is Callum's PA? Or she is Callum's PA's PA? This makes a LOT of sense, wouldn't you want this as the public face of you as your own personal Callum brand?



Some posh English guy (I am assuming the guy who took the Libby/Gerald job from under their noses) thinks Bella is a good idea? She really has experienced a meteoric rise from beauty school dropout to PA to the CEO of a hospital. I guess its like the time Lei Mei went from medical student who spoke no English to fully naturalised NZ accent brain surgeon in six months only to die of some horrible disease the night she got her dream job via the earliest form of skype.

Anyway, I really hate this stupid Bella character



"The diary! Just where Gerald said it would be! It's like falling off a log. Like me. Cos the job's easy like me falling off a log". THIS IS NOT FUNNY THIS IS PAINFUL

Meanwhile, we join Tania and TK on some kind of pre-romantic wander through the hospital grounds. Tania is all sassy and what I assume is meant to be flirty and sexy? What follows is the worst approximation of sexual tension/witty banter/chemistry/human interaction maybe ever captured on film.

(awkward silence)"Oh Libby left with Gerald. I am not allowed to mention the Green card. OOPS I mentioned it lol"
TK (awkward silence)
Tania:(offering TK a bun or something) "Oh don't be shy"

TK: "Oh wahine first"



Tania: "Don't be silly, manuhiri first"



TK: "If you insist, hehe"

AND THEN THEIR HANDS TOUCH IN THE BUN BAG



They are both like "ha ha ha oh sexy oh ha ha" and it is THE LEAST sexy thing I have seen and I have seen Ben and Yvonne make out.

Oh Chris figures out that his kid is a thief. It's pretty lame.

Back at the sexy park Tania and TK are awkwardly chatting about nothing on a park bench. TK doesn't really do much to help the conversation progress except for sitting like a male model in a cleo "Bachelor of the Year" contest and relying on his old TK charm to pull him through such unconvincing romantic situations.



When in doubt do this



And this



HE IS GOING TO MAKE HER SQUEAL!

At Chris' house there is some makeshift worship going on or something?



Oh I see, they are acting contrite. The panel of parents decide to scare them with a trip to the cells. Whatever, boring boring.

Tania and TK are STILL enduring the worst date ever. TK walks past a rubbish bin and slam dunks his bun rubbish "HE AIIMS AND HE SHOOTS" Tania "OWWWWW! HE SCORES! WOOOOO!" TK "Naturally" . Then they start rambling on about netball Tania is all "you are all over the opposition like a ....uh.... rash" TK "oh a netball strain of dermatitus" LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL. NEVER EVER BREED.

Then TK trips over a chain fence and they promptly make out. He bites his lip like this to show us that he wants to devour Tania, preferably whole.



Blah blah Tania is making a sexy dangerous meal for TK. Brooke is meddling trying to get in the way of TK and Tania and it works! Tania is all bummed. Although really,once your husband has made a secret baby with your lesbian sister then a guy not showing up for dinner is really nothing. She should learn not to sweat the small stuff. Anyway, we leave our fair maiden all gussied up for a night of TK lovin' but with no TK to love. When will she win? Probably never. If the writers were still cribbing storylines from Full House then I guess Tania could marry uncle Jesse and have twin boys and live in the basement/attic/whatever. Isn't it scandalous how Stephanie Tanner became a meth addict and somewhat less scandalous that DJ became an evangelical christian? Bring some of THAT to shortland street and it would spice up these dull mid season plots.

I was trying to find some kind of witty and or meth addicty full house photo to end this post but it was pretty slim pickings. I did come across this rather sad "more like" creation which really plumbs the depths of "more like" humour.

Oh god.



Please bring back the ferndale strangler, I know some characters well past their expiration date.






and

SEPTEMBER 23: HOLIEST MATRIMONY

OH TOBIAS
Last time, Brodie was all "babe I love you" to Sophie. Spoiler: she doesn't want him. Probably.

Um Libby's getting married this episode, got a wedding dress as you'd expect for such an occasion. It cost heaps. Yep.

Anyway Gerald's all OH WE'RE SKIPPING TOWN REAL SOON and she's all

and the marriage is ALL GO kind of

and now it's time for breakfast



and Maia and Libby are chilling out listening to the worst music ever made, some awful woman is crooning and sounds like a dying whale in the background of this scene in which Yvonne is all gremlin-like and angry about Libby's "sham marriage"

meanwhile Rachel's pretty bummed because her brother got in an accident and now he's pretty sore so she rubs her face on Chris' chest while he is asleep, or something (he sleeps standing up)



He eventually awakens from his slumber and angrily demands Rachel comes to him if she needs him for anything. "AND I MEAN ANYTHING." Ominous

Brooke's all dolled up for the wedding


and Yvonne's happy as Larry about something


her face looks like a pumpkin with three slits crudely carved in it for the eyes and mouth

oh yeah and the following comically long list of stuff goes wrong:

the flowers for the wedding don't come
Libby breaks a shoe
Yvonne's car runs out of petrol on the way
her family has this reaction when they see her wedding dress:

Libby gets dress stuck in the car
Libby gets dirt on her dress
Libby is so late she misses the wedding completely

- all of which means we're treated to a solid fifteen minutes or so of Libby flipping out:






<3 4eva libby xxx

hey remember the time Home and Away had a character called Jude Lawson? Pretty subtle influence there

in other news, Bella has no eyebrows



Yvonne then hears Libby and Gerald having a beautiful heart-to-heart and she's all OH BABES I KNOW YOU CAN STILL GET MARRIED" and they're like "OK"

Anyway Rachel's hanging around in a car and comes across Chris who's all "yeah nm just chilling on the side of the road"



anyway they make out for about 10 minutes in front of a sign that says "welcome" like 100 times

Gerald and Libby (which, it turns out, is short of Olivia? what?) get married by this reanimated corpse:



AND ALL IS WELL WITH THE WORLD

<3 u forever Libby I know you're married to Gerald but babe I can provide for us