THX ERIN
So I'm not going to blog the entire hour and a half of this shitheap, because the whole plot could've been knocked off in like ten minutes anyway
ON WITH THE SHOW
Easily the best part of this episode is the opening montage, which helpfully provides a completely bizarre recap of Kieran's history in Shortland Street so far. It's noteworthy because what the show's director chose to put in seems to have been picked completely at random.
We get this sweet aerial stunt:
overlaid with Kieran screaming "I HAVE HARASSED WOMEN"
but what's most important is archival footage of Shortland Street's best-ever character LIBBY in the opening recap:
<3 u babe
I guess the point of the shitty recap is to detail all the seedy people Kieran's dealt with? But don't worry, it pretty much all comes to nothing
Anyway, last time on Shortland Street Kieran got kidnapped via sack, and now he's in some shipping container getting tortured for reasons far too retarded to get into. But then! his bloody shambles of a brother (WE THOUGHT HE WAS DEAD) stumbles into the frame, all out of focus, and their grumpy torturer gets out a blowtorch and you're all OH YEAH THIS IS GONNA GET GOOD because someone's gonna get third degree burns
but no nothing really happens, Kieran and his bloody brother escape via PRETTY GOOD EXPLOSION:
and make their getaway in some car or something. Also, that guy getting blown up wasn't even slightly dead
Meanwhile, Hunter's putting the move on his cold fish of a flatmate who's got some kind of sinister plot for Scotty? God knows why but that's not really the crux of this episode
OH GOD THERE ARE SEVEN EPISODES ON DEMAND FOR THIS
I once told a friend of mine there was no lower point than watching soap operas on demand OH HOW FAR I HAVE FALLEN
Now it's the next day and Kieran and his bloody brother escaped to the bar, which Kieran owns. Sweet hiding spot, losers.
Oh also it's worth noting Kieran's bloody brother now looks like this:
He and Kieran are pretty banged up, so he calls for an ambulance to come to "the bar over the road from the hospital" which is TOTALLY FUCKING RETARDED because he's OVER THE ROAD FROM A HOSPITAL. I bet those paramedics were so pissed off when they got that call.
Meanwhile, Yvonne's being smug to her lesbians:
and Tracey's imparting some shitty wisdom to Scotty/having a stroke:
Anyway Gerald's going along to the hospital with Kieran in his bathrobe for some reason, but oh no! The ambulance has been hijacked by sneering thugs!:
and some extraneous bullshit happens in the middle, also Kieran's bloody brother steals Nicole's car while she's still in it and gives chase, thus implicating another useless character for no reason in the dumbest drama ever
oh yeah there's some shit about the hospital getting shut down or something, Callum's arguing with some suited guy
Anyway Kieran's bloody brother intercepts the ambulance in the woods, there's a little bit of a fight that's resolved when Gerald sticks a guy in the back with a syringe and he, Nicole, Kieran and his bloody brother all go for a bush hideout journey, which seems to last about 75% of the episode
only two chapters in and seriously, why do I do this to myself
Anyway yeah this besuited guy is trying to close down the hospital, he's worth noting because the actor's like autistic or drunk or something and has no idea how talking works:
So, logically, Callum tries his hand at blackmail:
Note the real professional newspaper layout. Anyway I'm not going to get into this plan because his blackmail caper succeeds which is clearly stupid, but whatever I don't want to deal with this subplot anymore
Meanwhile, the bumbling gangsters are on Kieran's trail in the woods/getting real intimate by Nicole's car:
It's worth noting, all the characters are all "oh where's Nicole! Where's Gerald!" throughout this episode, but no one mentions A FUCKING AMBULANCE GOT STOLEN
Scotty's getting pretty angry and simian at the constant badgering of Hunter's girlfriend/flatmate (her name's Penny I think?):
OUR GANG'S STILL HANGING IN THE WOODS ETC
And there's some serious sexual tension between Chris and Rachel, also Chris' inappropriately dressed girlfriend Zoe's back from wherever she was, she was meant to get a letter delivered to the hospital but it got delivered to Chris' house instead
Also, Hunter's about to stick it to Penny, and we see THIS IN HER ROOM:
WHAT DOES SHE WANT FROM SCOTTY? No doubt it's something retarded
Anyway, rudimentary plot devices mean Chris needs to go home to pick up the letter, only to find HIS COUSIN ISAAC IS STICKING IT TO HIS GIRLFRIEND ZOE and I guess they look pretty guilty:
Also in this scene is Chris' address, so you know if anyone wants to take him out it's on the On Demand website
Oh yeah so in the bush Nicole decided to go and get help, but got caught by thugs. So Kieran's bloody brother tried to save her, but he just got his beats too, so things are looking pretty grim, they're both caught and possibly at death's door
That is, until Gerald unleashes his incredible attack strategy of "yell and throw a stick at a gangster":
But the gangster just catches the stick, looks nonplussed, and now Gerald's a hostage too. Real smooth.
OH GOD THERE ARE STILL TWO CHAPTERS TO GO OF THIS TRASH SERIOUSLY
So then Kieran steps into the fray and temporarily disables the gangsters (why doesn't he kill them? I HAVE HARASSED WOMEN?) and the walk off into the woods again.
Except they don't, because the mysteriously blond gangster at some point takes Gerald hostage (I'm fastfowarding through this now)
So Kieran comes out and anyway I think the bad guy has Gerald and Kieran's going to fight the blonde bad guy or something? I don't really care anymore
Back at the hospital, Chris has been called out of a meeting to talk to this old man:
The old man reveals himself to be the father or uncle of someone I guess Chris stuck it to in the past. Now she's dead, but she left this chilling legacy: CHRIS' SON
Signs and signifiers: He's from a farm in the South Island, so naturally he's wearing a checkered hoodie. Thx Foucault!
Anyway the old man and the kid talk in some South Island farming lingo in this awful scene that takes forever, also I think the son might be retarded, and I don't know, I guess they're going to be on this show for a while?
god I hate myself
Meanwhile, blond gangster has taken Gerald to a picturesque cliff for whatever reason, where Kieran, who has followed them, decides enough is enough and it's time to go toe-to-toe with him in the worst fight scene ever:
Anyway it looks like Kieran's about to lose his fight (maybe because he's like half dead, also the other guy has a knife?) but his bloody brother intervenes by somehow tackling both of them
AND I'M SERIOUS, THIS IS ACTUALLY WHAT HAPPENS: all three end up hanging off the edge of a cliff via shitty blue screen effect:
Blond gangster's first to plummet to his death, no one really cares. Then Kieran's all "oh yeah also I killed Morgan, L8RZ!!!" and also falls to his death:
and Gerald leds out like the worst shriek ever:
AND OUR LOVABLE ENGLISH REBEL IS NO MORE
The rest of the episode is pretty much window-dressing
I can't believe how crude and useless the plot devices in this episode were. Why did they stop the car and decide to hide in the bush? Why didn't anyone at the hospital question the stolen ambulance? Why would anyone want to stick it to Penny? Where's Brooke? Why didn't Ash have more to do with Kieran's death?
I hope you've enjoyed reading my will to live slowly ebb away over the course of this transcendantly bad mess. I'm a worse person for this.
I HAVE HARASSED WOMEN!!!
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