Why can't my thesis be on Shortland Street?

So it turns out horseface's name is Jackie and she has, according to Rachel "the personality of a damp rag".

Boring shit with Phoenix and Harry hating each other. Which makes a lot of sense cos I hate them both too. Update on the Harry Warner facebook fan page. Now two people like it. And it has been fleshed out quite comprehensively

Harry Warner was born in 2002 as a result of an affair between Chris Warner and Toni Thompson. It was originally unclear as to whose father Harry was. Rachel McKenna, desperate to win Chris' affection, took his saliva while he slept and gave it to Toni for a DNA test and it was proven Harry was Chris son. What resulted in Harrys birth was a bitter custody battle between Toni and Chris and Harry went missing and it became clear he was kidnapped.

It was eventually revealed as Donna Heka who was under a mental breakdown. Chris spent a lot of time bonding with Harry and Harry loved him dearly. In 2003, Harry's grandmother Margot died from cancer. In 2004, Harry and Toni were kidnapped by Tonis ex Logan King but he released them shortly afterwards. Also in 2004 Harry's mad uncle Dominic Thompson attempted to murder Chris by burning him to death, Chris escaped though and Dom died from burns. Chris and Toni married in 2005.

In May 2007, Chris' half brother Guy Warner and his daughter Tuesday came to Ferndale from America. Harry's mother Toni realized that Chris was having an affair with Rachel McKenna and ran away with Harry, Guy and Tuesday. Chris tracked them down later in the year but they ran away again.

Harry was born in May 2002 yet in 2008 he celebrated his 8th birthday and the following year Rachel McKenna stated he was 9. He would actually be 7 at this stage. On June 24, 2010 Harry was shown opening presents and it was assumed it was his birthday but this was a whole month since his actual birthday


The reception from fans has been mixed for Harry as when he was played by Henry Williams, he had a very whiney voice and never changed his pitch. When Harry went missing, Harry became a very unpopular character as he was considered a spoilt brat




Harry is an awful child who needs a much better father than Chris/to be locked in a barn for a couple of hours and pecked by hens. He cut up all of Phoenix's sweet drawings! What a little asshole.



Harry is all "i hate you phoenix! this pizza is YUM!" and Chris is all "my child is demon spawn". Maybe this will play out like Orphan and Harry will actually be a 40 year old midget out to kill Peter Sargsgaard.

Penny broke up with Hunter. I wasn't watching it when that happened because I was delivering afghans to our uni pal Craig but Hannah tells me that she broke up with him because "he didn't have the balls to do it". I think Penny might start poisoning Hunter now.

OH! Isaac is being forced to tell Tania about his illicit whoring with Zoe. He is trying to justify it by saying how Tania kissed another guy (TK!) but Tania hangs up on him.

Random out of context dialogue Sarah: "These pigs you kill, do you have to take out their brains?"

patient: "With compressed air, yeah"

Sarah: "Did you fry the brains?"

patient: "yeah"

Maxwell "She's the best doctor I have ever seen"

WHHAAAAAAAAAAAT???


oh oh oh oh guess what?!?!? someone I know saw BROOKE in the FLESH the other day! I almost fell off my chair with glee when I heard!

Oh Tania and Isaac broke up and Tania quit? I guess she has left the show? And where is TK? Maybe they are on a hot sexy holiday romp together?

I haven't been paying attention to the action but Vasa is playing Maxwell like a harp and its all kind of boring. BRING BACK JOEY ALREADY

HANG ON!!! What is going on with Scotty and the poison storyline? That Penny has a lot of balls in the air!

Scotty is being poisoned and Vasa is a bitchy whore

Okay so everyone is over Kieran being dead. That's cool. Other really boring storylines have to be attended to.

Such as: Penny is killing Scotty. It's pretty funny. She is some kind of arsenic expert or something cos she realised some little boy had gone crazy drinking the weed killer or something because his spew smelt "like almonds". Scotty (or someone) was like "how did you know that?" and Penny was all "oh, I thought everyone knows what arsenic vomit smells like?".

Anyway. So this is the face that Penny makes while Scotty drinks the poison


Subtle.

So as Scotty glugs his poisoned-protein shake towards an inevitable reunion with Shanti in Hades Chris and his maybe-son PHOENIX are discussing whether Chris was the sperm that stuck it to Alison Raynor and made the 14 year old Barry Crump that is this kid:



I think Lionel Skeggins is the real baby-daddy here




There is a certain something here right?
While I was looking for a Lionel Skeggins photo I found the website of Lionel actor John Leigh. This is the first photo that came up:



Jesus.


Also, I found something else terrifying while searching for Lionel but I will save that little treasure for the end.

Anyway, I am getting distracted by Guiliana and Bill. God I hate that woman. Why am I watching it? Oh look. She is crying about a horse or something. I like it when she cries.

Anyway, so that Phoenix boy's Grandad went back to the farm because it got rainy there. Okay.

Guess who's back!? BROOKE! And she brought this face with her!



She has had some kind of awakening after her cancer scare and now she is done with making men the centre of her Brookieverse. She also has advice for Sophie about the death of her husband "She'll get over it". Thanks Brooke! Show us another face please?



Rachel is all "oh! you should bond with Sophie about how her husband Adam Rickett (and your ex fuckbuddy I am pretty sure) and your boyfriend Ethan both got murdered, but only Ethan by Maia! Remember how Maia killed him? Isn't it weird that Maia is a straight up murderer but no one cares anymore? remember how you were just talking about sick leave with her in the coffee shop? oh anyway, could you talk to Sophie about how both of your men were murderers who got what was coming to them? that could help?"

And predictably Brooke says "NO!" and makes this face



Bless her evil little soul. Look at those cheeks!

On to some really boring crap about Vasa being an over pronunciating bitch and red-haired bore Wendy fighting over bandaging ulcers. Scotty doesn't back up Wendy against evil Vasa and because I have already seen this episode I can tell that there is TROUBLE BREWING. By the way, have you seen Home and Away recently? There is some REALLY WEIRD SHIT going down about a possessed ventriloquist dummy called Mr Oddly...Alf plays his own grandad in a series of bizarre flash backs to when kid-Alf first became terrified of dummies. I would swap this boring ulcer storyline for some of that grade A crazy they are smoking over at Summer bay in a heartbeat.

I was trying to find a screengrab of this dummy/alf/flashback extravaganza but all I found was this...which I don't even know how to explain....



Strewth...

ANYWAY, so blah blah blah Wendy gives Brooke flowers on her first day back and for a moment Brooke is going to throw them out (?) but then she softens...maybe she will be a whole new Brooke? I hope not.

So gramps is heading back to the farm and Phoenix and old man have an awkward manly hug. For some reason there is an extended shot of Chris staring at them like this



I don't know what it is meant to show us.

Oh my god I still have two chapters of this show to go.

Boring bit where Chris and old man yell about Chris not wanting that Phoenix. Fair enough too, who would want him?

So despite Brooke being VERY against helping people, let alone tiny blondes like Sophie, Brooke is now seated in the McKay kitchen. Looks like that new and improved Brooke thing might be about right. Maybe she can win back TK. Who cares. Not me.

Sophie is whinging about how hard it is for her to have to deal with stupid stuff like potentially identifying Kieran's corpse and dealing with his/their two businesses. No mention of, you know, the fact that it is a bit sad maybe that her husband died? whatever, it gets in the way of Sophie's important whinging, journalism studies and being stalked by ethics lecturers. Oh, so I think the point of the scene was for Brooke to convince Sophie to go stay with Justine in Australia. LATERS SOPHIE.

GODDDDD THIS IS TAKING SOOOOOOOO LONG

Okay! So Wendy nurse = sad. Some patient = sick.
Penny is surprised because Scotty is giving her another go at nurse stuff. She doesn't like that he is being nice to her given that she is currently murdering him. I've been there.

Penny is checking off important dates in her calender "August- TICK" I guess that's something to do with her homicide. She seems troubled, like killing people is somehow disturbing. Oh look, here is a really subtle insight into Penny's thoughts on justice re: the Kieran storyline "He got what he deserved. He's a killer. A life for a life, that's the ONLY justice" You tell em you crazy bitch! She storms off, presumably to google "Sensible Sentencing Trust".

Okay so Wendy is chatting to old lady patient from before. It is revealed that Wendy told old lady to throw herself down the stairs so she could get ACC hip surgery or something. Issac walks in and is all "oh no you di'int!". But she did. Stupid, stupid Wendy.

So now Cool Guy is THE MANAGER of the I.V. I bet horse face is really pissed about that.



Surely they could, you know, HIRE someone a tad more qualified? I don't know why I am bothering trying to force logic into these storylines.

Meanwhile Scotty is still enjoying the sweet taste of poison. The lesson here is don't drink protein shakes.

Penny is thinking about stopping killing Scotty BUT THEN Hunter shows up all full of righteous anger and renews her desire for revenge slayings. See, they are a good couple, they inspire each other and push each other to reach their goals.

So now Scotty and Wendy-nurse are having a fight because of Wendy being bad and Scotty being a dick and Vasa being someone I want to stab. Wendy yells and looks like this



and this




and Scotty,well




He doesn't like it.

END OF EPISODE! and not ONE instance of anyone sticking it to anyone else. This isn't what I signed up for shortland street! get your act together!

Oh! A final image to haunt your nightmares

Remember Moira Crombie? Harlot old red haired wall of a woman in the style of Marge/Yvonne/Every receptionist on Shortland Street? WELL feast your eyes on THIS




OH MY LORD

AUGUST 2: FEATURE-LENGTH FAILURE

FIRST THINGS FIRST: There's this sweet group on Facebook. 0 people like it.

THX ERIN

So I'm not going to blog the entire hour and a half of this shitheap, because the whole plot could've been knocked off in like ten minutes anyway

ON WITH THE SHOW

Easily the best part of this episode is the opening montage, which helpfully provides a completely bizarre recap of Kieran's history in Shortland Street so far. It's noteworthy because what the show's director chose to put in seems to have been picked completely at random.

We get this sweet aerial stunt:



overlaid with Kieran screaming "I HAVE HARASSED WOMEN"

but what's most important is archival footage of Shortland Street's best-ever character LIBBY in the opening recap:





<3 u babe

I guess the point of the shitty recap is to detail all the seedy people Kieran's dealt with? But don't worry, it pretty much all comes to nothing

Anyway, last time on Shortland Street Kieran got kidnapped via sack, and now he's in some shipping container getting tortured for reasons far too retarded to get into. But then! his bloody shambles of a brother (WE THOUGHT HE WAS DEAD) stumbles into the frame, all out of focus, and their grumpy torturer gets out a blowtorch and you're all OH YEAH THIS IS GONNA GET GOOD because someone's gonna get third degree burns

but no nothing really happens, Kieran and his bloody brother escape via PRETTY GOOD EXPLOSION:



and make their getaway in some car or something. Also, that guy getting blown up wasn't even slightly dead

Meanwhile, Hunter's putting the move on his cold fish of a flatmate who's got some kind of sinister plot for Scotty? God knows why but that's not really the crux of this episode

OH GOD THERE ARE SEVEN EPISODES ON DEMAND FOR THIS

I once told a friend of mine there was no lower point than watching soap operas on demand OH HOW FAR I HAVE FALLEN

Now it's the next day and Kieran and his bloody brother escaped to the bar, which Kieran owns. Sweet hiding spot, losers.

Oh also it's worth noting Kieran's bloody brother now looks like this:



He and Kieran are pretty banged up, so he calls for an ambulance to come to "the bar over the road from the hospital" which is TOTALLY FUCKING RETARDED because he's OVER THE ROAD FROM A HOSPITAL. I bet those paramedics were so pissed off when they got that call.

Meanwhile, Yvonne's being smug to her lesbians:



and Tracey's imparting some shitty wisdom to Scotty/having a stroke:



Anyway Gerald's going along to the hospital with Kieran in his bathrobe for some reason, but oh no! The ambulance has been hijacked by sneering thugs!:



and some extraneous bullshit happens in the middle, also Kieran's bloody brother steals Nicole's car while she's still in it and gives chase, thus implicating another useless character for no reason in the dumbest drama ever

oh yeah there's some shit about the hospital getting shut down or something, Callum's arguing with some suited guy

Anyway Kieran's bloody brother intercepts the ambulance in the woods, there's a little bit of a fight that's resolved when Gerald sticks a guy in the back with a syringe and he, Nicole, Kieran and his bloody brother all go for a bush hideout journey, which seems to last about 75% of the episode

only two chapters in and seriously, why do I do this to myself

Anyway yeah this besuited guy is trying to close down the hospital, he's worth noting because the actor's like autistic or drunk or something and has no idea how talking works:



So, logically, Callum tries his hand at blackmail:



Note the real professional newspaper layout. Anyway I'm not going to get into this plan because his blackmail caper succeeds which is clearly stupid, but whatever I don't want to deal with this subplot anymore

Meanwhile, the bumbling gangsters are on Kieran's trail in the woods/getting real intimate by Nicole's car:



It's worth noting, all the characters are all "oh where's Nicole! Where's Gerald!" throughout this episode, but no one mentions A FUCKING AMBULANCE GOT STOLEN

Scotty's getting pretty angry and simian at the constant badgering of Hunter's girlfriend/flatmate (her name's Penny I think?):



OUR GANG'S STILL HANGING IN THE WOODS ETC

And there's some serious sexual tension between Chris and Rachel, also Chris' inappropriately dressed girlfriend Zoe's back from wherever she was, she was meant to get a letter delivered to the hospital but it got delivered to Chris' house instead

Also, Hunter's about to stick it to Penny, and we see THIS IN HER ROOM:



WHAT DOES SHE WANT FROM SCOTTY? No doubt it's something retarded

Anyway, rudimentary plot devices mean Chris needs to go home to pick up the letter, only to find HIS COUSIN ISAAC IS STICKING IT TO HIS GIRLFRIEND ZOE and I guess they look pretty guilty:



Also in this scene is Chris' address, so you know if anyone wants to take him out it's on the On Demand website

Oh yeah so in the bush Nicole decided to go and get help, but got caught by thugs. So Kieran's bloody brother tried to save her, but he just got his beats too, so things are looking pretty grim, they're both caught and possibly at death's door

That is, until Gerald unleashes his incredible attack strategy of "yell and throw a stick at a gangster":





But the gangster just catches the stick, looks nonplussed, and now Gerald's a hostage too. Real smooth.

OH GOD THERE ARE STILL TWO CHAPTERS TO GO OF THIS TRASH SERIOUSLY

So then Kieran steps into the fray and temporarily disables the gangsters (why doesn't he kill them? I HAVE HARASSED WOMEN?) and the walk off into the woods again.

Except they don't, because the mysteriously blond gangster at some point takes Gerald hostage (I'm fastfowarding through this now)



So Kieran comes out and anyway I think the bad guy has Gerald and Kieran's going to fight the blonde bad guy or something? I don't really care anymore

Back at the hospital, Chris has been called out of a meeting to talk to this old man:


The old man reveals himself to be the father or uncle of someone I guess Chris stuck it to in the past. Now she's dead, but she left this chilling legacy: CHRIS' SON



Signs and signifiers: He's from a farm in the South Island, so naturally he's wearing a checkered hoodie. Thx Foucault!

Anyway the old man and the kid talk in some South Island farming lingo in this awful scene that takes forever, also I think the son might be retarded, and I don't know, I guess they're going to be on this show for a while?

god I hate myself

Meanwhile, blond gangster has taken Gerald to a picturesque cliff for whatever reason, where Kieran, who has followed them, decides enough is enough and it's time to go toe-to-toe with him in the worst fight scene ever:



Anyway it looks like Kieran's about to lose his fight (maybe because he's like half dead, also the other guy has a knife?) but his bloody brother intervenes by somehow tackling both of them

AND I'M SERIOUS, THIS IS ACTUALLY WHAT HAPPENS: all three end up hanging off the edge of a cliff via shitty blue screen effect:



Blond gangster's first to plummet to his death, no one really cares. Then Kieran's all "oh yeah also I killed Morgan, L8RZ!!!" and also falls to his death:



and Gerald leds out like the worst shriek ever:



AND OUR LOVABLE ENGLISH REBEL IS NO MORE

The rest of the episode is pretty much window-dressing

I can't believe how crude and useless the plot devices in this episode were. Why did they stop the car and decide to hide in the bush? Why didn't anyone at the hospital question the stolen ambulance? Why would anyone want to stick it to Penny? Where's Brooke? Why didn't Ash have more to do with Kieran's death?

I hope you've enjoyed reading my will to live slowly ebb away over the course of this transcendantly bad mess. I'm a worse person for this.

I HAVE HARASSED WOMEN!!!

JULY 30 EPISODE

I hate this programme.

So Maxwell's tramp daughter isn't going to school and making up lies about being bullied? And his slut wife is making excuses, but who cares

and the slut wife and the daughter are causing serious tensions in Sarah and Maxwell's shitty lives, then this happens:



Brody's still a jerk:



Kieran's all "this business with Fuller, Sophie doesn't understand that I did it for her", referring to how he TORTURED AND NEARLY MURDERED A GUY, and Brody's all "yeah, chicks eh?" seriously, what is wrong with the scriptwriters?

Also, in the background of the bar set there are some light fixtures which, bizarrely, cast shadows on the wall behind them:



Pretty sure that's not possible.

Now Kieran's getting mysterious silent phone calls from "a dude", as Brody describes him - just like what happened to Sophie!

Meanwhile, Yvonne is getting into some bullshit drama about some boring shit about some kind of social committee and acting her gremlin heart out:



Oh, now there's going to be some kind of election for Shortland Street social club. God I hope someone gets murdered on this show soon.

Now Maxwell and his slut wife are talking in Samoan and having a real stilted conversation about their glorious pasts, I guess before she nailed some bro in Samoa and he became a drunken gambler? I don't get it. And then Maxwell decides it's time to play a card game called "sweepy" with his godawful daughter, who pulls this face:



And Maxwell's slut wife is NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT:



GOD THIS SHOW SUCKS

CUT TO LESBIANS BINGE DRINKING AND COMPLAINING ABOUT YVONNE who by magic appears at their Sapphic love den to announce her hot election plans, but Maia's not so enthused:



Maxwell and his awful daughter are still paying "sweepy", slut wife is still grumpy, oh fuck off

And a cop's busted in on the bar being all "oh hey Kieran what's up" to tell him his brother, who pretended to kill a girl when actually Kieran did, has been murdered to death in Bangkok, Kieran responds by staring at him with his mouth half open

AND AD BREAK

Now Kieran's binge drinking his cares away, when Gerald stumbles in and I mean I'm pretty happy there was a murder in this episode, but it was off-camera and of a character who left the show like months ago

Now it's the next day and Maxwell and his daughter are still talking about playing fucking "sweepy", I hope Maxwell takes a similar approach to his daughter as he did to a Christmas tree that one time, and Maxwell's slut wife heard him talking about his insatiable lust for high-stakes gambling on a telephone? Turns out the rad game of "sweepy" he played reignited the furious gambling fire in Maxwell's horrible soul

WHOA SHORTLAND STREET WAY TO USE A DOLLY ZOOM

Wendy doesn't care about the social club dramas, neither does anyone watching:



Then this happens:



Now Maxwell's slut wife and Wendy are bitching about parenting again, pretty sure this doesn't need to be detailed

Meanwhile, Tracey and Scotty have a sweet conversation about how Kieran's brother got "what was coming to him" in front of Kieran. Choice!

And Sarah's grumpy because Maxwell is taking his slut wife and daughter out (to play sweepy?) instead of her

AND AD BREAK

And we're back and Kieran still can't really act and is still getting mysterious silent phone calls

OH FUCK OFF MAXWELL AND YOUR FUCKING SLUT WIFE AND HORRIBLE CHILD. They're at the dinner table where Maxwell announces to his daughter he won't be sticking it to his slut wife anytime soon - Sarah's the only awful woman for him

The entire cast is crammed into the hospital cafe set, but strangely only only one homely extra is on focus:



Turns out it's the social club election, pretty sure if this happened at my work nobody would turn up. I certainly wouldn't. They're having speeches and all kinds of shit

Yvonne fails at her speech! Oh no what can this mean

Gerald talks to Kieran about his dead brother, and Kieran calls Gerald "sunshine" in return, like I guess anyone would

And Yvonne's still talking, and they vote based on who's standing on what side of each room? What the hell kind of democracy is this? Fuck

And it's a tie, but Maia holds the deciding vote! This is her decision face:



She realises a vote for Nicole is a vote for netball uniforms (seriously) AND WE HAVE A WINNER

Kieran's outside and crying:



AND THEN SOMEONE KIDNAPS HIM VIA A SACK

DRUM FILL

FADE TO BLACK

At least it was almost a murder.