JULY 30 EPISODE

I hate this programme.

So Maxwell's tramp daughter isn't going to school and making up lies about being bullied? And his slut wife is making excuses, but who cares

and the slut wife and the daughter are causing serious tensions in Sarah and Maxwell's shitty lives, then this happens:



Brody's still a jerk:



Kieran's all "this business with Fuller, Sophie doesn't understand that I did it for her", referring to how he TORTURED AND NEARLY MURDERED A GUY, and Brody's all "yeah, chicks eh?" seriously, what is wrong with the scriptwriters?

Also, in the background of the bar set there are some light fixtures which, bizarrely, cast shadows on the wall behind them:



Pretty sure that's not possible.

Now Kieran's getting mysterious silent phone calls from "a dude", as Brody describes him - just like what happened to Sophie!

Meanwhile, Yvonne is getting into some bullshit drama about some boring shit about some kind of social committee and acting her gremlin heart out:



Oh, now there's going to be some kind of election for Shortland Street social club. God I hope someone gets murdered on this show soon.

Now Maxwell and his slut wife are talking in Samoan and having a real stilted conversation about their glorious pasts, I guess before she nailed some bro in Samoa and he became a drunken gambler? I don't get it. And then Maxwell decides it's time to play a card game called "sweepy" with his godawful daughter, who pulls this face:



And Maxwell's slut wife is NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT:



GOD THIS SHOW SUCKS

CUT TO LESBIANS BINGE DRINKING AND COMPLAINING ABOUT YVONNE who by magic appears at their Sapphic love den to announce her hot election plans, but Maia's not so enthused:



Maxwell and his awful daughter are still paying "sweepy", slut wife is still grumpy, oh fuck off

And a cop's busted in on the bar being all "oh hey Kieran what's up" to tell him his brother, who pretended to kill a girl when actually Kieran did, has been murdered to death in Bangkok, Kieran responds by staring at him with his mouth half open

AND AD BREAK

Now Kieran's binge drinking his cares away, when Gerald stumbles in and I mean I'm pretty happy there was a murder in this episode, but it was off-camera and of a character who left the show like months ago

Now it's the next day and Maxwell and his daughter are still talking about playing fucking "sweepy", I hope Maxwell takes a similar approach to his daughter as he did to a Christmas tree that one time, and Maxwell's slut wife heard him talking about his insatiable lust for high-stakes gambling on a telephone? Turns out the rad game of "sweepy" he played reignited the furious gambling fire in Maxwell's horrible soul

WHOA SHORTLAND STREET WAY TO USE A DOLLY ZOOM

Wendy doesn't care about the social club dramas, neither does anyone watching:



Then this happens:



Now Maxwell's slut wife and Wendy are bitching about parenting again, pretty sure this doesn't need to be detailed

Meanwhile, Tracey and Scotty have a sweet conversation about how Kieran's brother got "what was coming to him" in front of Kieran. Choice!

And Sarah's grumpy because Maxwell is taking his slut wife and daughter out (to play sweepy?) instead of her

AND AD BREAK

And we're back and Kieran still can't really act and is still getting mysterious silent phone calls

OH FUCK OFF MAXWELL AND YOUR FUCKING SLUT WIFE AND HORRIBLE CHILD. They're at the dinner table where Maxwell announces to his daughter he won't be sticking it to his slut wife anytime soon - Sarah's the only awful woman for him

The entire cast is crammed into the hospital cafe set, but strangely only only one homely extra is on focus:



Turns out it's the social club election, pretty sure if this happened at my work nobody would turn up. I certainly wouldn't. They're having speeches and all kinds of shit

Yvonne fails at her speech! Oh no what can this mean

Gerald talks to Kieran about his dead brother, and Kieran calls Gerald "sunshine" in return, like I guess anyone would

And Yvonne's still talking, and they vote based on who's standing on what side of each room? What the hell kind of democracy is this? Fuck

And it's a tie, but Maia holds the deciding vote! This is her decision face:



She realises a vote for Nicole is a vote for netball uniforms (seriously) AND WE HAVE A WINNER

Kieran's outside and crying:



AND THEN SOMEONE KIDNAPS HIM VIA A SACK

DRUM FILL

FADE TO BLACK

At least it was almost a murder.

The fans are mad. We are probably going to be hunted.

So today, while researching Hunter actor I was directed by google to this page. I think it pretty much speaks for itself and it makes me fear for my life. The shortland street fans are fucking insane.

http://www.ferndaletalk.co.nz/phpbb/viewtopic.php?f=7&t=326&view=unread

JULY 28 2010 EPISODE

quick note: none of these images are from tonight's episode, they're just lazily copied from the most recent episode on the TVNZ website


So there's some boring garbage about how Chris and his puffy face is all of a sudden leading some kind of rebellion against the increasingly fabulous Callum. "His moral compass is dodgy!" he shrieks at his befringed former flame and current Callum succubus Rachel, who stands by her man, albeit with a few concessions.

"You are still left playing minder to Callum's ego, and I think there's a better match for you ... professionally speaking" Chris pleads, his words dripping with brutally unsubtle double meaning.

Meanwhile, Sarah returns to her house yabbering away about someone called Mike cutting someone called Wendy's hours, while Maxwell hangs out with some green. Then his awful bitch of a daughter and equally horrible ex-wife enter complaining about some kind of garbage, the daughter's dressed like a lumberjack.



Sarah has bought the daughter some kind of shitty backpack from a store called "Sapphire," which the daughter is all OH I LOVE IT BUT IT'S NOT ME and then that slut mother gets grumpy, complaining "next time you buy a gift you tell me"

CUT TO Hunter and that girl from Lovely Bones making out underneath a pile of laundry in their squalid shithole of a flat, when Sophie busts in wearing this stupid hat:



But don't worry, Brody's made an entrance, telling Hunter and that girl he's okay with them going out, because "why fight it when I can watch it?" Then he does some kind of sweet karate moves or some shit, where if you knew him in real life you'd be all "oh fuck off you obnoxious prick"

Meanwhile Callum is talking to CELEBRITY PATIENT SONNY BILL (once again, Shortland Street fails on subtlety) who is brutally bad at acting. Callum is pushing the surgery ahead! Predicted outcome: Chris will be bloated and grizzly.

Meanwhile Maxwell and Sarah are cooking dinner/standing next to some bags of things from the bulk food aisle of a supermarket and talking about trouble with kids, and WHY IS THERE A GIANT BAG OF SEEDS THERE? Nobody needs that many seeds, this is the worst. Maxwell's slut wife comes back and reveals she's going to get a job at Shortland Street hospital! Boy, this show spares no expense on new sets!

Oh no Chris is bloated and grizzly about the celebrity rugby player's surgery. "WHAT ABOUT THE 70 YEAR OLD WOMAN WHOSE SURGERY YOU JUST BUMPED" he snarls at Callum, who gradually becomes more incensed as the conversation continues, like the anger forgot he meant to be angry or something. Callum uses the threat of BAD PUBLICITY to force Chris into being complicit in the surgery!



Meanwhile, Sophie's still wearing a stupid hat while she's at her house watching TV and getting mysterious phone calls, possibly from her curly-haired paramour? She seems pretty creeped out AND WE GO INTO THE FIRST AD-BREAK

Jesus. I hope they put Brooke into this episode soon. Really don't like Maxwell's slut wife and daughter.

oh jesus Dominic Bowden is on an ad, that guy is seriously the worst, one time I insulted him in real life true story

"oh hey Gabrielle what are you cooking for dinner?"
"mind your own fucking business"

I have to wonder what David Kilgour thinks about that yoghurt ad that uses "Tally Ho" by the Clean, as played on the ukulele and toy piano

oh man I love the lady on the Big Save ads, I hope she gets a part on Shortland Street soon

THE SHOW'S BACK ON BETTER PAY SOME SERIOUS ATTENTION

Sophie's got a coffee and is getting angry at Kieran, who's being smug and english, and jesus he's a terrible guy. OH HERE'S MAIA SHE WANTS A BABYSITTER cut to someone dropping a plate. Maia I think wants to unleash some harsh lesbian justice on Sophie's ringlet-infused stalker, Sophie cocks an eyebrow in response

Oh good, Maxwell's slut wife has turned out to be a nurse at Shortland Street, and that god damned Wendy with her smug god damned face is milling about like some kind of tramp

There's gonna be trouble ahead when no one can tell the difference between Maxwell's slut wife and Tania, who both look pretty much exactly the same

Turns out Maxwell's slut wife is having the same reaction as everyone else to Wendy, and she hates her

Meanwhile Chris is bloated and grumpy and wearing purple and telling the angry staff about celebrity surgery. Meanwhile, Nicole recognises the rugby player's name, because she's like a lesbian or something I guess. Chris is sowing seeds of discontent with Rachel, who looks old and affronted, but everyone knows it's only a matter of time before he sticks it to her.

Kieran is talking to Brody at the bar, but Brody's a prick as usual. Kieran's telling Brody all about how Ash is some kind of curly haired creep from hell, and he's still smug and looks more like a chimp than ever

AND GERALD MAKES HIS JULY 28 DEBUT. Then he gets kicked out of the room so Rachel can yell at Callum about celebrity rugby surgery SERIOUSLY THIS IS BULLSHIT SHORTLAND STREET WHO CARES. GOD I HOPE WHOEVER WROTE THIS SCRIPT CHOKES ON THEIR OWN BILE AND IT IS INEXPLICABLY TURNED INTO ITS OWN STORYLINE ON SHORTLAND STREET, THEREBY COMING FULL CIRCLE

And Gerald's back!

And now Maxwell's slut wife is bonding with Wendy about children. And Wendy just used the word "rad," which I guess is something? Oh but nothing lasts forever, and Maxwell's slut wife is getting angry at Wendy again. Wendy's life must be pretty horrible, I mean everyone's always real mean to her. Probably it's because of her sickening clown face

AD BREAK TWO

WHY IS THERE A FRENCH GUY IN THE BEDS R US ADS?

If I was on contraceptive, you know I'd take Yaz contraceptive. Real good aesthetic.

AND WE'RE BACK

A phone rings, but Sophie, now not wearing a hat, isn't answering. It stops, then it starts ringing again. For ages. Way to build up tension, Shortland Street. Sophie turns on lights, lets the phone ring. Oh but it's just Yvonne on the phone! Better heard than seen, I guess. Why was Yvonne so keen to get hold of Sophie? My money's on WHO CARES

Rugby celebrity surgery is over, and Chris is looking pretty happy with himself. And Callum's here with the media! "How about a photo doc?" the rugby player says. "You're the star player this time" OH FUCK OFF



Meanwhile the lesbians are home, Sophie's job babysitting is done. Nicole thoughtfully offers Sophie an arbitrary "burly Samoan man" to show her to her car. Sophie's descent into madness is ably shown in a scene where Sophie howls into the night, before a loud banging sound and the camera pans to show ASH'S GRINNING FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So now Sophie's at the hospital being consoled inexplicably by Yvonne and a bald man with a ludicrous beard. Why Yvonne? Where did this come from? They're not friends

Oh, Kieran broke into Ash's house and is going to dispense some SMUG JUSTICE

"Ethics. I may not have a fancy degree, but I think it's time I taught you a thing or two." Oh Kieran, you suck so bad when you try and be sinister. I guess he's about to dish out some violence?

Oh Maxwell's slut wife is home! And, of course, she's being mean to Sarah. No wonder her partner beat her in Wellington, jesus who would want to deal with that shrill hussy



AND NOW KIERAN IS TORTURING ASH while some sweet opera music plays in what is probably the most homoerotic scene in Shortland Street history. DRUM FILL AND FADE TO BLACK.

What a god damned trainwreck.

"The Episode Where Maia Goes Crazy"

I have to admit, out of all the contributors to this blog, I have probably contributed the least. Well actually, with zero posts, I have definitely contributed the least. This is because I am currently about 9000 kilometers away from New Zealand; I would love to do a write up about one of my favourite characters or something, but if I'm anything to go by, Shortland Street generally leaves such a diffuse impression on its viewers that pretty much you just forget everyone within about a month of ceasing to watch the show.

However, due to the technological marvel that is YouTube, I no longer have to be so useless! wahaha. Lucky for me, there are like-minded* people out there who have done us all the favour of immortalizing one of Shortland Street's, and perhaps even just television itself's finest hours.

* the other day I was told by a complete stranger that my fascination with Brooke Freeman is, AND I QUOTE, "unhealthy". There is no such thing as too much love for Brooke Freeman. What I burn into my lawn every night while chanting Beth Allen's name is MY BUSINESS goddamnit!
um anyway,
Without further ado, I give you the aptly-titled Episode Where Maia Goes Crazy*

* this is not the actual episode name, just the name of the video on YouTube. Also, should you want to watch the entire episode in all its glory, you have to watch it in the order of "Shortland Street episode where Maia goes crazy part 1", then "Shortland Street episode where Maia goes crazy part 2", and then "Shortland Street episode where Maia goes crazy" - I have no idea why this is the case. Oh also worth checking out are the 30-odd twilight tribute videos the same user has uploaded.
The episode commences with the usual flashback to the previous episode(s). What we can glean from this is that the following things happened last time on Shortland Street:

-Sarah Potts and Brooke Freeman (i.e. the two hottest female characters on the show) exchanged HEATED WORDS -reowr! Unfortunately this does not result in any Dynasty-esque bitch slapping. Clearly the writers are saving this for a special occasion.

-Callum is orange, and also intent on thrusting his way into Brooke's pants in the least subtle way possible. This is because his horse-faced wife is probably already in Australia. Or maybe she isn't, to be honest it doesn't really matter because we all know they will end up having a gross affair anyway.

-Chris and some elephantine bow-tied socialite talk words for a bit, then Kip turns up, demolishing the ceiling with his forehead and possibly also knocking some low-flying aircraft out of the sky.
-Maia talks into a microphone, followed by shots of the other Jeffries sisters. Tania looks toward Libby as if to say "wait a minute, why aren't you two also Maori?". Unfortunately their gremlin mother is not present to answer this question that has been playing on the audiences' minds for LITERALLY YEARS.
Then the actual episode begins.

Okay so as the title would suggest, the premise of this episode is that Maia has turned into a rabid psychopath. It's lucky that this is clearly spelled out in the title as otherwise I doubt anyone would actually notice any difference in her behaviour. There is a long and surprisingly boring talk between the Jeffries sisters and not-yet-dead Shanti before the action shifts to Callum and the goddess that is Sarah Potts. Sarah then proceeds to put her clumsy hoof right into it by mentioning that her studly son Daniel is sticking it big time to Callum's shrieky midget daughter Sophie. She doesn't have multiple sclerosis yet I think, also T.K. is there but he is not shrieking about loyalty and values in a broad New Zealand accent or taking his top off so essentially he does not contribute to the scene other than to stand next to Sarah looking broody and not shaving his sideburns short enough.They'll totally never break up.

The scene then shifts to Kip and Alice's house, where they are showing around Kip's hoity-toity father. The less said about this scene, the better; I think the combination of Alice's air raid siren of a voice and the fact that Kip's forehead can be seen from the International Space Station distract me so much that- oh god Kip just said "No worries", I think one of the lesser-used annexes of my brain just imploded in protest. In response to this, Alice lets out a low-frequency purr that only dogs can hear.

NEXT SCENE.

oh god it's Daniel and Sophie in a state of semi-sexy. This is the last thing anyone needs. Unaware of Sarah Pott's blunder, they are gently cooing and caressing eachother in a manner akin to canaries of some kind of marsupial. Luckily the increasingly icky physicalities are interrupted by Yvonne's voice yelping "SOPHIE". Then Callum walks in. Why his voice was temporarily that of a 70 year old (in the immortal words of Tania) "OLD TART" is not explained.

The action then shifts to that house that may or may not belong to all of the Jeffries sisters. Man, do you guys remember when Libby was Eve on Being Eve, the greatest show ever? THAT WAS SO GODDAMN RAD, I LOVED THAT SHOW. She always plays the best characters.

gone but not forgotten :'(

Back at the whatever Callum's last name is household, Callum is somehow even more orange and Sophie looks like a 37 year old murderous Slovenian midget intent on seducing Peter Sarsgard.

um, yikes.

things head back over to the den of horror that is Kip and Alice's - hoity-toity has turned up again, only to find that Alice is sitting at the kitchen table emitting white noise and Kip's forehead is doing his best impression of trying to outstage the establishing shot of the Skytower immediately preceeding it.

BACK TO THE JEFFRIESES

Maia is off her goddamn nut - thankfully we have the spooky background music to explain that this is not normal.

ADBREAK.

Oh Jesus fucking Christ we're back to forehead and his fancy father. Kip says the words "Eggs Benny", triggering an enzyme reaction in my spinal fluid that starts to eat away at my brain stem. Also, Kip is sitting backward on a chair like he is the long-lost second funky uncle from Full House. His father then makes disparaging comments on his facial hair, despite the fact that he has about 1/16th the amount of facial hair his father does.

Thankfully we are then taken to the hospital, where Maia is wigging the fuck out.


powerin' up her lazerz

Tania comes in, Maia then laughs hysterically for a while. WHO CAN BLAME HER?

HOORAH TRACEY! Inexplicably Tracey is also a perturbing shade of purple-brown; upon seeing the Tower of Babel that is Kip's forehead she pulls this face:

then Alice approaches with a metallic grinding noise that is apparently supposed to be talking. Kip says the word "bozo". The scene concludes with some ~REAL MEDICAL DRAMA~ which involves a whole lot of people being wheeled into the room in no particular order.

Meanwhile in the car park, Tania tries valiantly to out-crazy Maia and fails miserably:

Scotty is also there, unaware that his weird Indian wife will be haunting the opening credits as a ghost extremely soon.

Back to the upper stratosphere, where Kip's forehead* is meandering about vomiting out vaguely medical-sounding words such as "HDU" and "rolling".

*forehead jokes will never be not funny, okay?

We are granted another brief reprieve from the hell that is looking at Kip as things are taken back to the Potts/T.K. Samuels house, where Sarah Potts is clumsily fishing for information about her brother-turned-son's sex life.

babies come from what?

Daniel then bounces off the handle, thus proving Sarah Pott's inherent failure as a mother. I guess maybe she should just go back to being his sister?

Kip happens again. Like a car accident or a deadly virus.

after the ad break we are STILL with Kip, who thankfully keeps things really attractive

every woman's dream.

Alice greets him by letting loose the howl of the a betrayed wife's vengeful spirit extinguishing the life of her husband from beyond the grave. Then both are killed in a house fire. Well, not actually, but we can all dream, can't we? The end shot of this scene goes on for faaaar too long, as if the producers realise that there is comedic value in the idea that these kind of people actually exist and want to milk it for all its worth.

Back to Jeffries-town, the three sisters are, respectively, awesome, batshit insane, and inexplicably ethnic.

Woooo great, now we are forced back into the sticky realm of underage sex courtesy of Sophie and Daniel; there is talking which is concluded by some partial nudity on Sophie's part, revealing her bizarre, half-developed breasts and inducing projectile vomiting in roughly 50% of the viewing audience.

Kip is for some reason brought to our attention AGAIN; Alice is in the background melting small plastic soldiers with her vocal cords when Kip's rhino father turns up with a small Asian man, who Kip then utilizes to engage in some casual homophobia. Throughout the scene, Alice is standing at a 45 degree angle and shrieking at pitches above human hearing capability. I then skip to the end of the scene because I hate everyone in it with an undying passion except maybe the Asian man because he doesn't talk.

Meanwhile, in E.D., Tania is assisting her bonkers sister in her time of need by being a total bitch. Maia then loses the plot completely, pulling a series of amazing faces and then proceeding to pull out her "emotionally involving" imitation of a crazy person, which in the usual Shortland Street fashion is kind of hilarious. The episode, and this blog post, therefore ends on what I feel is an extremely high note:

THIS PICTURE

And thus concludes this wrap-up. I don't know if you guys feel any richer from sharing this with me, I know that I certainly don't.

Tonight's episode. I missed the last two days and also the first five minutes of today.

OKAY! So Brooke doesn't have cancer. That's nice? There are some tensions between Callum, Brooke and Rachel because Rachel doesn't really like it that Callum and Brooke have been having intimate chats about Brooke's ovaries.

Ruth from the lovely bones is now dating Hunter. God she is a very very bad actress. I don't understand it. She has the weakest deliveries and is outshone by COOL GUY, if that is imagineable. She doesn't want to stick it to Hunter today. She is a lady. "Easy tiger, don't trash the place".

OH! It looks like Sophie and Ash have broken up! That was fast! I seem to have missed quite a lot. Um so Ash is hunting Sophie! In the park! He says he is just reading a book in one of his favourite spots.

There is some "famous" guy. He isn't actually famous in real life, just on this show. He is a league player or something, in the shortland st universe. Callum wants to bump him up the waiting list so they get good publicity. This is boring.

AD BREAK

Magnum Golds are delicious.
The new John Mayer album is out. He used to bang Jessica Simpson.
Ew that creepy omen horse bank ad
Some vampire show.. girl: "What....are you??!" Guy: "A vampire" Girl: "Oh my god!" Guy: "Don't look at me with those judgey little eyes". Too many vampire shows. No more thanks.

SHORTLAND STREET BACK!

Hunter and Cool guy are fighting. Cool guy liked Ruth now he is mad that Hunter is going to soon stick it to her, hard.

Chris doesn't want to bump up the famous guy. Still boring storyline.

Maxwell's daughter Ula is starting at Ferndale High. Hopefully she is the new Minnie. I wish these were better storylines. Look at the awesome OLD storylines featuring Minnie! "Marise Wipani who played the role of James Scott's sister Rebecca Scott from 2008-2009, also played the role of a patient called Morgana who supposedly haunted the then Shortland Street Medical Clinic on her stay in 1993. Morgana later returned in 1995, having been revealed as the head of a witches' coven that Minnie and Lulu were interested in". !!!!!!!!!!!!! Hell yes! Bring back these kind of storylines, less patient waiting lists and Hunter, Cool guy, Ruth from the Lovely Bones love triangles.

TOBY IS BACK WITH HONEY CHICKEN FRIED RICE YUM YUM. Sorry I missed the main plot points because I was excited about my honey chicken fried rice. I am sure nothing good happened.

"A girlfriend can tell when a chick has eyes for her man"- Tracey "Stinkface" Morrison on Ruth from the lovely bones and her crush on Scotty "dead wife" Scotterson.

Bizarre Maia, Sophie and Nicole lunch. Very ham-fisted attempt to do some serious exposition on creepy stalker Ash. Nicole : "Well he will be getting a visit from us! We are WAY scarier than your dad" - cos they're lesbians, see?

"you better stop him before something seriously bad happens"- FORESHADOWING.

AD BREAK

Toby: "If the mad butcher was really mad, would it be unethical to buy his products?"

Has anyone ever seen "Go girls"? Is it shit? It stars Delphi? She's a bit of a looker.

Today I read that 50cent postage stamps are going up to 60cents because no one wants to use the post anymore. I don't think rising the price will encourage people to use the NZ post? I am not an economist though so what would I know?

SHORTLAND STREET BACK

For some reason Sarah and TK are good friends despite her cheating on him with Maxwell. He is going to set up a marae clinic? he will be away for months? what? i think she still loves him.

I miss Sean.

Hang on, is this famous patient actually famous? Sonny Bill something or another? if so, this is MIND BLOWING. It's almost like this show is a reality show? IS IT??? no i think it isn't.


Ruth from the lovely bones does not suit beige. She is macking it with Hunter in the hospital corridors to make Scotty jealous. It's pretty gross.

Ash is still stalking Sophie. It's good. He has a written warning for stalking her. Like how you can get a written warning for a bad mystery shopping report. Erin thinks this creep is hot. I mean, I get that he has good curly hair but I don't like his necklace.

Rachel and Chris are bonding over Callum not getting his way over this famous character. Chris is talking about Callum being "all wrong" for the role of CEO. What he REALLY means is that Callum is "all wrong" for sticking it to Rachel. I see through his charade.

END

Oh gosh! Tomorrow Sophie is walking through a park at night (why does she keep walking through Ash's favourite stalking spot?) and she calls out "WHO'S THERE!!?!?" it looks dangerous. Narrator: "A decision will change a life"! OH! Sophie could be killed? maimed? "attacked"? Maybe this will take a turn for the Lovely Bones.

END END

I never watch Hell's kitchen. Tonight is no exception. At 9:30 Curb your enthusiasm is on! I have a headache. Today I called up acheived lots of things on my 'to do list'. On tomorrow's list is 'eating a plum choctop'.

Did you know that TK has had an indian love affair?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KSVE5Gd-Gc

JEFFRIES FAMILY ROUNDUP

So the Jeffries family more or less forms the emotional core of the show, the one solid familial unit in a world of broken homes, orphans and foster parents. But they're all a bunch of god damned weirdos too, so you know.

DEAD FATHER

He fell down a hill or something, now he's dead. No real loss.

YVONNE

She looks like a large flesh-coloured toad and has a taste for young, refreshingly down-to-earth kiwi blokes, who die from punches in the head. She's pretty boring and unbearable, but I think it's some kind of rule that every soap opera needs some kind of large and unattractive middle-aged woman who everyone hates because I don't see any other reason for her inclusion in this trainwreck of a television show. I don't know.

TANIA

Alarmingly, no one in the room has ever addressed the elephant in the room of Tania's ethnicity. Because everyone else in the Jeffries family is pretty fair-skinned, but our Tania is clearly at least part-Maori. It doesn't make sense and it's never mentioned. One time I saw the Tania actress on the street and she was taller than me, also she can't act and her character's a bit of a skank and she's heartily ignored by all the other characters because she's real nondescript. Pretty soon she's gonna start macking on TK probably, but I don't think anyone will care.

MAIA

Maia is known for her shrill, unappealing voice, moon-like face and psychotic lesbianism. Like a year ago she straight-up murdered a guy but I think everyone's kind of completely forgotten about that now. She got away with it because she acted all crazy for like a week, but now she's back to normal and nobody cares she killed a guy because he was bad anyway, and that's exactly how the justice system works. She's god a kid who's remorsefully barely in the show, which she had with her old lesbian wife, who incidentally also got mudered, and some kind of sleazy guy but I don't really know because I don't really have much of a history with Shortland Street. She's going out with some other lesbian babe at the moment, but probably everyone else hates her because she's honestly horrible. Like, if you knew her in real life, you'd probably want to beat her up. Her personality's also real inconsistent, and she likes nothing more than to sit back and relax at the same bar every night with a glass of white wine and her horrible she-beast of a mother for company.

LIBBY

Libby isn't on the show anymore, but in her heyday she was the best character there. She's gone to America or something, nobody really cared when she left because nothing ever affects anything on Shortland Street.

If there is one thing you need to know about this show:

Hello Ladies! The foxy women of Ferndale part 1

Arguably the number one lady of Shortland Street is Brooke Freeman, mistress of the bouncy hair and the adorable snarl. She comes from some kind of sad background and generally runs around pouting and being a meanie. She convinced TK to start sticking it to her after helping his then wife Sarah out of the picture. According to wikipedia "She is also considered one of the primary antagonists of Shortland Street and she is referred to as a soap bitch but the actual reason is that she could be a sociopath". I am not sure who refers to her as a soap bitch but that will do I guess? But really, is this the face of a sociopath?

Other male characters of note:The sidelined men of Shortland Street

Briefly here is the run down:

Gerald: He is an admin worker and asexual. This asexual storyline used to be important but now its not. He was married though to Morgan but they had a sexless marriage. This made her cheat with Hunter. But I think Hunter and Gerald are still pals. Morgan's dead so I guess it doesn't matter anyway, she's not romancing anyone anytime soon.

Gerald wears a lot of pink and does not much else. Fun fact, in real life he is cousins with Scotty!

Hunter: Already mentioned but he is Callum's son and once was a male model and hooked up with an old lady. Then with Morgan and others. When Hunter and sister Sophie first started on the show there was some definate sexual tension. Every scene was seething in it. You could see that Hunter wanted to ravage Sophie with or without mum and dad in the room. I can only assume that the directors noticed, took the two aside and quietly suggested that they fix this little problem with a quick one two in the car park because thankfully this yucky dynamic is no longer grossing everyone out. Hunter is also going to be a doctor blah blah blah.

Cool Guy: Cool guy is new to the show and lives with Hunter and the girl from the lovely bones. He is super cool, you can tell because he talks like old character KIP and gets drunk all the time and got kicked out of med school. I loathe him. Now he works at the I.V (nice one DOC) and hits on old lady guest stars. He has a horrible little goatee thing and I wish him gone.

Chris' cousin Issac: He is boring and rich and pines after Zoe who is a boring nutritionist or something. Chris did surgery on her son and ruined him so I think no she is using Chris to further her boring career of making healthy hospital meals. Isaac akes great faces though
and also makes hilarious mistakes during surgery resulting in near death experiences for most of his patients. He is dating Tania and surprises her with helicopter rides and baths full of money. He is going to get with Zoe though, and probably pretty soon if the ads are anything to go by! I am not really sure of the point of his character since Chris provides all the rich, spoilt, selfish wine-guzzling scenes a fan could ever ask for. Maybe he will soon fall to his grisly death. Here's hoping.

Daniel: Daniel once thought he was Sarah's brother but it turned out that actually he was her son! At this point he was like a 12 year old with an extremely high voice and effiminate nature. Then he got really mad and ran off to Samoa to live with his dad or something? Anyway, he came back, was now Ido Drent, and promptly broke into a mans house, tied him up and almost killed him while attempting to host a hot party to impress Sophie maybe. Then various things happened, I think he slept with Sophie, got involved with petty crime and then got Lauren pregnant. He didn't want her to abort the baby but she wanted to and OH HIGH DRAMA. In the end she aborted the baby I think and ran off to England. Apparently the set, Sugar, where they spent most of their courtship is meant to be based on The Royal Tenenbaums? Lofty aspirations Shortland Street!


Ash: He is a disgusting pervert lecturer who is sticking it hard to sophie and who has bouncy curls and enormous nipples. That's really all there is to know about him at the moment. Oh but actually he is being set up as a creepy master manipulator. He told Sophie off for wearing a short skirt and might end up beating her.

And that is really all there is to know about the side/boring/underused/nipply male characters who haunt the shortland street set and our screens every night. What I really want is a new serial killer to come back and cut the flab. Or for a truck to smash into reception. Or poisenous gas to breakout. Or for some prisoners to take over the hospital. Or for a fire to break out and reveal a ghost (that actually happened you know!) or maybe for Ash's nipples to takeover the entire show like the blob.

Very important character: Keiran

So Keiran first came into the show when he ran into Claire and then starting sticking to both her and Libby. Then Claire was brutally murdered and dumped in a rubbish bin and Keiran was suspect number one. But then it turned out that actually it was Joey who was slicing and dicing the excess cast members and Keiran was off the hook. Then there was some stuff with Libby and with illegal dance parties? And he is all mixed up in asian gangs and has big dark secrets from his time in Thailand. Anyway, he was engaged to Libby but then they broke up for some reason, maybe relating to his awful morals and tendancy to kidnap people and threaten dangerous street gangs. Then he hooked up with Brooke I think? Yes and they hustled her father into thinking he needed surgery, knocked him out and then demanded thousands of dollars. I think that all turned out fine though. At some point he may have been involved in Ethan Price's body theft but it is all a bit blurry. Then he started sticking it to schoolgirl Sophie who for some reason married him. Oh but before they got married he ran over Morgan and killed her. It was a mercy killing in my opinion. That character made me rage. Anyway, he then implicated Rachel because she's a hopeless drunk and went on his merry way. I think that worked out just fine too. The Ferndale Police are fairly poor. I think they should start a police breakaway show "Shortland Street employees Murder Investigation Club/Division" starring that dumpy detective and that other detective, the hot one. Anyway, it could be a big hit! The public loves police dramas!

Oh, so anyway, Keiran is involved in some bad business to do with asian gangsters and the other night he was threatened by an american guy with only one good eye. Oh he and Sophie broke up because of something or another. He is leaving the show soon to move back to England where he may or may not run for government with the Tories.

More important people to know and hate

THE BOYS:

(the lads, the bros, the guys, the meat)

T.K is arguably the leader of this "wolf pack". He is all muscley and glistening and sometimes he gets angry and yells in a really strong maori accent. Oh, he is spiritual too and wanted to have a baby with Sarah Potts who has MS! But she didn't want to or something and instead she went and started having wild MS sex with Maxwell! Other hunky brown doctor! They came to blows and stuff happened but I barely remember. There was a lot of yelling and TK got to stick it to Brooke for a while all animal like against walls. She tried to entrap him in a pregnancy by poking holes in condoms but instead just knocked up Sarah's son Daniel's girlfriend ...Lauren! Luckily she left the show. She was awful. Anyway, TK is now single and about to embark on a torrid love affair with sexy minx Tania. It will be pretty boring I think but oh well, he has to be doing someone. Somone that dreamy wouldn't be single for long! am I right girls? ? ?. I read a magazine article about him in the staff room and he states that he is really into "the gym" and "his abs" or something. Anyway, that's TK. He is the number one stud and really hasn't had a lot to do lately so Tania will do I guess.

MAXWELL
Maxwell is currently playing nice with Sarah but this is barely worth mentioning because the absolute pinnacle of Maxwell's shortland street performances is his "fight with the christmas tree 09". Maxwell is a chronic gambler and also sucks at being married and also he was cuckolded by his shrill wife for 9 years. Then he thought he would see his kid at christmas and he got the place all gussied up BUT THEN mean wife cancelled and Maxwell saw red. He beat the shit out of a christmas tree and then Brooke or Libby walked in and was all "ohhh...I am just looking for an extension cord or something...I think I will go now....". It was THE BEST shortland street scene in existance.


Here he is! Merry Christmas!!!!

The writers should be utilising A LOT more of his tree kicking abilities. They don't understand how to write for an actor who can kick a tree like that. Amateurs.





OKAY! OH CALLUM!
He is the boss. He got with Rachel after she was arrested for running down boring character Morgan. He thought "why! a woman who drunkenly mows down a nurse/incubator for triplets/intended Joey murder victim, she is surely the one for me!". He did MARRY that awful woman character whose name slips my memory though. You know, the one who boned Chris then got shot? oh wait, not got shot but moved to Australia because of Craig's killer's being after her? Was that storyline ever resolved? JUSTINE, that's her name.

Anyway, Callum is much much better than Justine.

For one, he has a full head of grey hair. He is a silver fox! And he ALWAYS wears suits. He also has a daughter, Sophie and a son, Hunter. Toby thinks that Hunter looks like a middle aged lesbian. I can't really disagree.

Anyway, Callum used to be my favourite character because he was funny and the actor had this bizarre way of speaking and of interpreting his lines. It was definately good. Anyway, now he does far less and is more boring. He needs to have some omph put into his storyline. Maybe he could become the next serial killer or maybe he could cut Chris' face off witha scalpel and masquerade as him completely taking over his life and keeping Chris faceless in the basement surviving on only 30 year old aged wine and cheese boards.

Ummmm...who else?

Oh Scotty!

He is the head nurse and he used to be in the army! When he first started he was all icy cold and mean but then indian temptress Shanti melted his cold disciplined heart with some hot indian food and loving. Eventually she died of a deadly illness and also maybe an ectopic pregnancy. Regardless she is dead. Which is good for Scotty because now he is getting up close and personal with ex-cop TRACEY. They are perfect for each other because both of their brothers are criminals. There is not much to say about her except that she has a smug smile. Neither character has had any good storylines recently and I don't think they even care. They should proabably watch out though because based on my keen eye Shanti will soon be back in the picture, evidenced by her dogged refusal to stop haunting the opening credits. Mark my words Scotty and Tracey, there will be hell to pay when Shanti comes crawling up from the grave!

The Usual Suspects: Introduction and Review number 1: Chris Warner, the main man

My friend Sean is in Japan this year learning of the delights of red beans, expensive apples and oriental surprises. He LOVES Shortland Street, especially BROOKE FREEMAN and I can't let Sean get homesick for this fine show. THEREFORE I am making this "blog". It will feature everything ferndale and will not be written in proper grammar because that is not one of my strong points. IF YOU CAN'T STAND MY HEAT GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN. Tobias and Sean will both be made "team members" although since Sean is not actually in the country and cannot view the show I imagine his reviews will, for the most part, have to consist of reviews of Brooke's hair and Sarah Pott's cheeky smile.

If you are new to Shortland Street, or have been away for a while Sean then you need to have a quick review of who is important in Shortland Street and who is not. This man, Chris Warner, is the big deal. Dr Love. Mr Important. He is called Dr Love because he sticks it to every female character on the show before leaving them/cheating on them/them dying/all of the above. He is a plastic surgeon and is RICH RICH RICH. Ladies, take note he has lots of cash BUT he also has a really horrific son whose gravelly voice would drive any normal person to horrible horrible crimes. In the image to your right Chris is about to bone Suzy Aiken. At an aerobics class. 18 years ago.

During his tenure as resident hot stuff he enjoyed the carnal delights of many many New Zealand femmes, including but not limited to the aforementioned Aiken, Danielle Cormack, Greer Robson (of "Greer's World" Woman's Day fame) and fiesty redhead Angela Bloomfield. I forget most of his storylines because they usually revolve around being rich, ordering wine at the I.V (the only bar in town) and delivering his lines in the most bizarre and illogical manner. He may have been replaced by a Dr Love robot but it would be pretty hard to tell. Once, quite recently, I saw him in the flesh wearing a cap, trying to hide his Dr Love identity while shopping for drums or guitars at a music shop on Cuba Street. I won't deny it, I was pretty excited. It was a good day because I also got free chocolate from "The Free Shop" but sadly it tasted like chalk. Not a bad metaphor for Dr Love I guess.

I am kind of sick of talking about him now. I want to move on to more exciting characters, such as horseface from the I.V and one eyed american gangster from the other night's episode.