JEFFRIES FAMILY ROUNDUP

So the Jeffries family more or less forms the emotional core of the show, the one solid familial unit in a world of broken homes, orphans and foster parents. But they're all a bunch of god damned weirdos too, so you know.

DEAD FATHER

He fell down a hill or something, now he's dead. No real loss.

YVONNE

She looks like a large flesh-coloured toad and has a taste for young, refreshingly down-to-earth kiwi blokes, who die from punches in the head. She's pretty boring and unbearable, but I think it's some kind of rule that every soap opera needs some kind of large and unattractive middle-aged woman who everyone hates because I don't see any other reason for her inclusion in this trainwreck of a television show. I don't know.

TANIA

Alarmingly, no one in the room has ever addressed the elephant in the room of Tania's ethnicity. Because everyone else in the Jeffries family is pretty fair-skinned, but our Tania is clearly at least part-Maori. It doesn't make sense and it's never mentioned. One time I saw the Tania actress on the street and she was taller than me, also she can't act and her character's a bit of a skank and she's heartily ignored by all the other characters because she's real nondescript. Pretty soon she's gonna start macking on TK probably, but I don't think anyone will care.

MAIA

Maia is known for her shrill, unappealing voice, moon-like face and psychotic lesbianism. Like a year ago she straight-up murdered a guy but I think everyone's kind of completely forgotten about that now. She got away with it because she acted all crazy for like a week, but now she's back to normal and nobody cares she killed a guy because he was bad anyway, and that's exactly how the justice system works. She's god a kid who's remorsefully barely in the show, which she had with her old lesbian wife, who incidentally also got mudered, and some kind of sleazy guy but I don't really know because I don't really have much of a history with Shortland Street. She's going out with some other lesbian babe at the moment, but probably everyone else hates her because she's honestly horrible. Like, if you knew her in real life, you'd probably want to beat her up. Her personality's also real inconsistent, and she likes nothing more than to sit back and relax at the same bar every night with a glass of white wine and her horrible she-beast of a mother for company.

LIBBY

Libby isn't on the show anymore, but in her heyday she was the best character there. She's gone to America or something, nobody really cared when she left because nothing ever affects anything on Shortland Street.