OCTOBER 29: YOUR FRIDAY

Last time on Shortland St we had Scotty having some kind of sweet panic attack in a lift, replete with chilling flashbacks to the time he got beaten up, abducted and shot by Penny, who was like half his size:



Anyway he flips out in an elevator and kind of tumbles out the doors when they open, and Tracey seems frankly quite disgusted with the whole affair - her reaction to her mentally ill fiance is comparable to her reaction to spilling the milk or something:



Anyway he rolls around on the floor for a while and it's pretty neat.

The IV bar got a bad review from some real slug-looking guy who wanted to mack on Brodie or something, but a rudimentary internet search by Sophie reveals that the reviewer was actually the brother of rival bar owner "Dante". Which is a pretty incompetent cover-up from the evil bar/newspaper syndicate, but whatever

Oh yeah also it turns out "Dante", whose actual name is Tristan, was up on charges in Christchurch for spiking drinks and groping babes. Probably the all time worst news story ever - notice whoever wrote it spelt "trial" wrong:



Tania and Jennifer live together, Tania's not happy about Jennifer seeing TK, I guess. I don't know, there's a pretty awkward and poorly executed locker scene which seems to be in the episode just so we can get some mild Tania nudity:



man Jennifer looks hungry there

Tracey and Sarah are very concerned for the newly crazy Scotty:



Sophie decides to get Dante/Tristan bad press via gossip columists

I'm sorry, this is just a really tedious episode

OK seriously, this episode is actually just the Tania peep show:



We're treated to a weirdly long segment of Tania dancing around in her underwear (her head cropped out of frame) when TK arrives. AWKWARDD. Then Jennifer pops in to find TK chilling with a half-naked Tania for maximum shitty drama purposes

Post-breakup Sarah moves in with Scotty and Tracey, and she's in the door like all of five seconds before she starts ordering Scotty around. No wonder Maxwell cheated on and promptly dumped her.

Speak of the devil, Maxwell opens the next scene, standing around his apartment by himself for some reason when Vasa stops by and they waste my time and everyone else's





Maxwell and Jennifer are having a romantic dinner while what sounds like the Mr Whippy song plays in the background. GUHHH for once I think this scene might be intentionally awkward though? TK wants to get laid but Jennifer is all ON THE ROAD BUCKO and off he goes

Scotty feels bad about not making Sarah feel welcome. Pretty sure Sarah's the one who walked in and was like "YOU'VE BEEN IGNORING DOCTOR'S ORDERS GO TO A PSYCHIATRIST" completely unprompted

Sophie feels remorse about going to the gossip magazines about Dante's rapey past, but there are more extras in the IV bar than ever. So nobody should complain, probably

Ula's sulky and sullen. Families on television are serious dead weight, let me tell you. Maxwell repeatedly demands a hug from her and she finally makes good. I don't see what relevance this has to anything.

Dante's brother the slug-like restaurant reviewer is at the IV getting grumpy at Sophie. Turns out he and Dante both got fired from their respective jobs, and also he has trouble talking and keeping his eyes open at the same time:



He gets pretty worked up and starts waving his head around like a braying sea lion, and is making such a commotion Daniel has to come in and forcibly eject him from the bar:



Jennifer's all "oh yeah I wanna bone TK I guess" to Tania, then Brooke comes in and delivers this baffling monologue about how "better woman than you have tried and failed" to get a "ring back on that finger" and the scene is actually about as bewildering as this sentence

Ohman, I just realised the TV2 synopsis for this episode says "Scotty faces his toughest enemy". Could his toughest enemy be HIMSELF????

The synopsis also says Sophie confronts a monster. Could that monster be HERSELF???

Probably.





Yeah she's real bummed about getting Dante and slug reviewer fired. Daniel comforts her. Pretty sure he's gonna stick it to her again pretty soon

Meanwhile, what happened to Yvonne? Is she still on the show? I mean don't get me wrong, I have no problem with her being banished forever, but I haven't seen her weirdly pumpkin-shaped face around the show at all lately and it's bumming me out. Sort of.

Welcome to the show yet another useless Cooper family member

Okay so a lot of stuff has been going on since we blogged last! Since I am meant to be marking 20 essays I really am going to have to do a quick recap here okay? Okay? Don't hate me. So these are some of the things that have been going down:

Brodie and Bella are going steady and want to move in together. Brodie threw an Oktoberfest party at the IV to get $$$ flowing in but instead he just got to dress up like an idiot and get Bella's bust out for the bar to see.

We finally got to meet good old useless Murray Cooper, who is a truly horrible character and I hate him. He is all gruff and mean and for some reason thinks that Bella could do better than Brodie. Which is patently untrue. The girl's a moron. Brodie and Bella are basically the perfect match. Anyway, at the Oktoberfest Brodie managed to put Murray in a headlock and now he is trying to make it up to the entire disgusting Cooper clan by making them dinner at their horrible industrial flat.

Meanwhile, Ula is in love with Daniel who is also moving into the Hunter/Bella/Brodie flat.

Maxwell has dumped both Sarah and Vasa and made Vasa cry big fat Vasa tears and I cheered. Sarah tried to go whore it back with TK but TK only wants to stick it to boring new doctor Jennifer and he slams the door in her crumpled face.

Isaac owes money on some yacht that he ruined when his yacht smashed into it during that storm and so he is picking up lots of shifts. Its a very boring storyline which I hope is going somewhere fast. Hopefully towards steamy sex scenes with Brooke on a broken yacht/Chris's double bed.

Murray, it turns out makes (or doesn't make as the case may be) his filthy lucre by both building houses ethically and by being some kind of hospitality king. Which I don't buy for one second given that he is the least hospitable and one of the most disagreeable characters I have ever seen on this show. Anyway, the plot line here is visible a mile off because as we predict, and as materialises, Murray is given Brodie's job at the tragic IV and Brodie is demoted to bar staff. But not before Brodie yells at Murray and tells him basically to fuck right off and let him stick it to Bella whenever and wherever they want. This storyline will SUCK. WHEN ARE WE GOING TO GET SOME SERIAL KILLERS OR SOMETHING? This shit pales in comparison to the whole Ferndale Strangler storyline which to me epitomises great Shortland Street storytelling and business smarts using the one storyline to kill off a whole bunch of past it characters in satisfying and gruesome ways.



OH NO TK!LOOK AT YOUR HAIR! ALSO, A CORPSE IN A DUMPSTER!

Remember how they had those alternative endings for the Joey killer finale? The one with Callum and Justine was the best! They killed Tania and boy was it delicious!



I don't know if you can be bothered watching a 13minute 2007 Shortland Street clip BUT if you do check out all of these funny hairdos! TK! Scotty! Yvonne looking like she's wearing a Beatle's scalp. Callum's weird orange face! Shanti speaking in her Indian accent! And if you do make it past 8mins you should absolutely check out the weird TK/Sarah scene where Sarah is acting like a blind woman for the entire scene. Its really really weird.

Anyway, the time of Shortland Street heydays is past and we are back to the fucking Coopers and their trivial non-serial killing dramas. Brodie drops pasta all over Wendy! Brodie wears lederhosen!



It's no Claire getting dumped in the bin, that's for sure.

Daniel wears this ridiculous jacket:



Ula tries to mack onto Daniel but ends up hiding in Brodie's bed half naked due to a hilarious series of errors. Murray and the whole damned Cooper tribe find her and think Brodie is a Ula-sexing criminal. That horrible Cooper boy-child is back sneering and chewing his way through the scenes.



Hunter shows up and acts like a dick showing up Brodie all over the place. Stupid Hunter and his stupid Hunter face. He really doesn't have a lot to do these days now that his character isn't banging old ladies,modelling and getting stuck with HIV infected needles so I guess he has to take what he can get.

What else? Oh Callum enjoys his role as kind of manager of the IV, telling Sophie what to do and hiring random angry dads.



The IV would be a TERRIBLE place to work, dealing with the incompetent management of Sophie and Callum sticking his crinkly face into all your business. Where is Rachel also? Another mysteriously absent cast member no doubt drinking themselves into a stupor to forget they have to soon return to these mind-numbing "storylines".

Anyway! We end this episode with Brodie looking bewildered, Murray looking pleased as punch and the viewer feeling simultaneously soporific and murderous.

So, in honour of much better characters and storylines I will leave you with these nostalgic offerings:

"Maia Mental Part 3"



and

"Paul Holmes on Shortland Street 2010" thoughtfully uploaded by "Mckennasawhore"



To be fair, "Paul Holmes on Shortland Street 2010" is a terrible clip. But maybe you are into really shitty plays and men in drag?

Also, a big shout out to ERIN who just today landed in London for her big new life! Don't forget about us Erin! Take the city by storm! Show them Shortland Street clips as introductions to "NZ life". Actually don't, I want you to succeed.

OCTOBER 21: CUT MY LIFE INTO PIECES

TOBIAS ROLLING THUNDER

I'm telling you, this is getting serious

LAST TIME ON SHORTLAND ST Maxwell was all "hey let's go to a party" and Sarah was like "nah" so Maxwell went and stuck it to Vasa. Aw jeez.

Tonight's show opens with said party, which in true Shortland Street party tradition, seems to be about five arbitrarily-chosen characters milling about someone's house:



And I gotta say, there's something weird about wearing a leather jacket inside at a party. Judging by the amount of beer left in TK's glass we can assume one of the following things:

- he came in, and immediately started downing beer, no time to take off his jacket
- he's the kind of person who likes to let people know when he's got a leather jacket

Regardless, it looks like Callum had a fight with DHB guy, who looks like Jude Law, but about 70% more gargoyle. Or something. TK has a weird heart-to-heart with Jennifer and offers her a shoulder to cry on... "anytime". Jeeeeeez.

Next we see Maxwell and Vasa in smouldering post-coital embrace, real smug and kind of gross. The worst part is Maxwell's nipple, looming large in the immediate foreground:



Uh terrible dialogue between Sarah and Daniel, who is going to a bar, and describes himself as "sonsy". For what I am sure are extremely plot-relevant reasons, it's mentioned that it's raining outside.

Meanwhile, other minor characters are having a jammin' time down at the bar:



They're using the same god damned rain-on-the-roof sound in the background of EVERY SCENE, which is real weird when you consider the bar is actually downstairs. Where's the sound coming from then? Weird.

Anyway, Sophie and Brodie decide to promote some sweet bar events like true members of today's generation - via text message and their "MyLife pages".

Maxwell then comes home and dumps Sarah, who's real chill. Just look at her crazy eyes:



They broke up because of something about TK's presence in Sarah's life, or something. Another beautiful romance, destroyed.

I want there to be a television show where every character is played by Brooke

Some teenager's come in with a munted arm, and Jennifer mysteriously puts Isaac on the case, until everyone's all "nah you do it" and then after like five scenes of deliberation she eventually says okay. I'm sure this is real crucial character building for the still-enigmatic Jennifer, but really Shortland St, there's no need to be so coy.

Then we learn the reason for the rain subplot: it was a storm, and it damaged Isaac's new boat, along with the boat next to it, and he can't afford to fix both of them. I really don't get this Isaac poverty storyline, like, how out of touch are the Shortland Street writers? He's a surgeon, for Christ's sake.

At least we get some quality Brooke out of that scene:



Shit gets awkward the next day at Sarah house, as Daniel offers Maxwell a "brew" (I guess he means coffee?) and Maxwell's all "nah" but doesn't give the true reason until Sarah enters the scene, for maximum awkwardness

Sarah's all "we might be breaking up" and Maxwell's like "oh no we ARE breakin up sister". It's pretty tragic, eerily reminiscent of that scene in the Office where David Brent begs that woman not to fire him.

Jeez, TK's like emotionally forcing himself on Jennifer. Smothering her with sensitive reminders that she can talk to him.

Callum don't want the bar to have an Oktoberfest party/is having a seizure:



but he comes around to the idea

Anyway Wendy and Vasa (my favourite double team BACK TOGETHER AGAIN) make plans to go on a Christmas camping trip together with their families. They tell Ula, who's predictably not impressed, and are all "you should have seen your face!". This is the face in question:



... which is eerily similar to every other face Ula has ever made on the show. Note to Shortland St script writers - only use lines like "you should have seen your face" when you have cast members who are capable of more than one facial expression

Anyway, their camping ruse gets laughs all round, and the world keeps turning

Jennifer's munted arm surgery is all going wrong! Cardiac arrest!

OnDemand just gave me two ads in a row. What the hell is this?

TK finds a patient wristband on the floor, and Tracey clumsily delivers a beautiful observation that "[patient wristbands] aren't meant to come off". It turns out to be the munted arm girl's bracelet, and it turns out she's allergic to medication or something. Upon this information coming through, she immediately recovers from the toxins.

Brodie wants to hold the Oktoberfest party the night after he plans it. People probably need a but more notice. It's mentioned that Sophie is a widow, which is true, and a totally bizarre thought.

Sarah reaches out to TK in her time of need, but he only has a sensitive guy heart for Jennifer, or something.

But Jesus, TK's a cool guy:



I'm guessing that girl's hospital bracelet came off because HER ARM WAS FALLING OFF. Anyway Jennifer and TK go out to for coffee, and TK makes his "aw yeah I'm smooth" face:



It then cuts to Sarah bitching to Maxwell being all "I say no to a quickie on the desk so you scoot over to Vasa's". What with her MS and her cheating heart boyfriend, her life is abject misery.

She admits to liking TK, but strangely, she calls him "DK". Which just makes me wish she had a massive, undying love for Donkey Kong. She truly is a woman smitten:



Hey remember how Sarah and TK only broke up because Brooke was still a villain at that point and was all trying to ruin them from the inside, via TK's unrelenting lust for babies? How come TK doesn't still want wall-to-wall babies? Since his desire has abated, surely it's time they gave this a second chance, right?

TK and Jennifer got their coffees to go and go on a very well-shot forest walk:



It's a pretty unbelievably shitty scene, in which Jennifer tells this terrible story about people who look like celebrities, but TK is LOVIN IT:



TK entertains himself by laughing at fatties, and then they make out for a while.

And then the credits roll.

Well, that's half an hour of my life wasted.

October 20th- Scotty makes some funny faces

Hello! I am eating strawberries! They are $4.99 a punnet! I can't afford these strawberries!

So Hunter almost killed this "Dylan" character because he fell asleep on the job. He is mad mad mad at Scotty because Scotty forced him to work while sleepy. Hunter has yelled at Scotty lots at the bar and Scotty got all crazed and slammed him up against a wall. Hunter is really mad.



But then Hunter is REALLY BUMMED because Sophie is all like "Oh actually its Shanti's deathaversary tomorrow, I only know cos dad has it marked on the calender". Callum must have a calender jam-packed with various staff members death dates, I can understand why he would need stationery to keep up with them all.

Sarah is in charge of the hospital? I must have missed that...Brooke is all up in Sarah's grill about Sarah making a decision about some grant. Sarah, hating Brooke, wants to extend the grant date or something so she can fuck Brooke over. Brooke doesn't like this one ity bity brookie bit



This guy is called "Shane" and he is "from the DHB". I wish they would stop this parade of smarmy evil power players from the DH fucking B. Its getting confusing.



Shane sees Brooke and he's all "PHWOAR". He tells Sarah to give Brooke the grant, but he has nefarious plans up his DHB sleeves!

Back at the IV Tracey is busy trying to get Scotty to let his feelings go or something. Hunter shows up with some coffees and apologises for his yelling etc. Scotty snaps at him and storms off home followed by Tracey WASTING TWO PERFECTLY GOOD COFFEES! Its okay though, the coffee cups look empty. Good one prop team.

Back at Maxwell house Ula is being a super creep and taking photos of Daniel on her cellphone, no doubt to fantasise to later.


Ula flirts and simpers and its gross. She has none of Vasa's predatory charm.

It turns out that this Brooke grant drama is complicated by the fact that Brooke and Isaac have somehow tampered with all the other grant applications so that Brooke's is the only good one? I assume the rest are for topics like "How to make a headache go away with jam" and "My brain is full of holes, give me some brain moisturizer and super glue". Brooke and Isaac are all panicky about being found out so Brooke goes on the offensive and flirts up a storm with Shane from the DHB, unbuttoning her tight white shirt and saying things like "I hate waiting....for anything".

Meanwhile at the hospital cafe Ula shamelessly flirts with Daniel but is interrupted by Vasa who rolls her eyes around in her skull and makes a noise kind of like this "uooohhiuuuoo- so that's why you were to keen to come here! give it up hun he is way too old for you"



Hey I've got advice for YOU Vasa- give it up because Maxwell is way too tapping Sarah for you. Slut.

That non-Bella daughter of Wendy is also at the cafe, I thought she was supposed to be a nerd but Toby thinks she is meant to be a hipster.



Vasa somehow arranges it so Wendy-daughter and Ula have to go clean Vasa's house. Wendy-daughter strikes a deal for $15 to clean the house and Wendynurse stands there making this face.



Ula is busy being obsessed with Daniel



and listening to bad music "yeeeeeah, yeeeeah oh yeeeeah my baby yeeeah". Ula then morphs her face with Daniel to see what their baby would look like.



Stupid nerd/hipster sees the computer screen with Ula and Daniel's faces swirling around attempting to morph and is all "OH FUNNY YOU LIKE DANIEL BLAH BLAH BLAH". I loathe the entire Wendy family, they are all dead weight and should come down with some kind of genetic killing disease.

Back at the hospital Shane from the DHB orders Sarah to give Brooke the grant and Brooke is the happiest she has ever been (excepting that time she was upside down banging TK).



BUT WAIT that Shane from the DHB knows that she was somehow involved in the robbing of the Shortland Street coffers by that Leo guy? He faked his credentials and stole $200,000? And somehow Brooke was in on it but I don't know how. Meh, she's a shady lady, I buy it. Anyway, Shane from the DHB wants to blackmail Brooke to say that Callum knew about the bad credentials of Leo BEFORE Leo stole the money so Shane from the DHB can take over or something? Shane is all hot for Brooke and says he will give her the 2IC position if she helps him get Rachel, Callum and some guy called Nugent out of there. Brooke is all "OH NO" and maybe "I'm tempted!" and it looks like Isaac and Brooke will team up to get Shane from the DHB? I quite enjoy the morally corrupt Brooke/Isaac pairing. They work for me. I like to imagine them getting married then training their children in the art of awesome facial expressions, being snooty and performing fake surgeries on their rich relatives to extort hundreds of thousands of dollars from them. It could be a family tradition!

By the way, you know who I haven't seen haunting our screens in a while? Phoenix and that douche kid of Wendy's. 100% happy about this.



Meanwhile Tracey and Scotty have returned from their Shanti/Chai party. Scotty has a nice lie down on the couch while Tracey goes to get some tucker. Scotty kicks a pile of books off the couch and suddenly goes into full Penny memory mode and performs a series of hilarious facial expressions







Tracey bumbles back into the house and thinks that Scotty is freaking about Shanti's untimely demise and so Scotty just screws up his face some more and looks pained. Scotty is still moping around his house when Hunter shows up and Scotty opens up his sweaty heart about his panic attacks due to Hunter's ex-lay Penny almost murdering him. We have heard all of this before Shortland Street!

That nerd girl is still cleaning Vasa's house and is teasing Ula about her Daniel lust. Ula decides, logically, that the best thing to do when someone knows an embarrassing secret about you and is threatening to tell people, is to lock them in a cupboard, a move sure to make said person love you and never tell anyone your shameful secret.

But oh no! Nerd/Hipster has asthma and Ula has almost killed her! This is kind of like that time in the sixth sense when Haley Joel Osment is locked in that cupboard at a party with a bunch of mean ghosts. Except Bruce Willis is probably not going to show up to help nerd/hipster and no one is a ghost (that we are aware of)...POTENTIAL SHORTLAND STREET TWIST? imagine if in the final episode when we are like 80 years old the reanimated corpse of Chris Warner shows up to tell everyone that they were dead all along!

MINDS WOULD BE BLOWN!

OCTOBER 15: DESPERATION SETS IN

TTOOBBIIAASS

First up, thanks to whoever found this blog by googling "bitchy whore". We're sorry you didn't stay longer, but I hope you found what you were looking for anyway.

Last time on Shortland St, Bella accidentally sent off a press release about British guy, who it conspired was actually an imposter, and how he defrauded the hospital and stole $200,000 or something. And now the media is having a field day

Tonight's show starts with Hunter asking Brodie, who looks more like what Jerry Seinfeld would call an "orgy guy" with every passing day, to stop sticking to Bella so loud all night.



Anyway then Callum shows us the offending email which has alerted the nation's media to the British theft. I can guarantee you any journalist who got this would take one look and immediately think "fuck this I'm not reading that":



Also, I love how it's been (poorly) written out in full, even though it's only onscreen for like a second. Whoever had to write that has clearly made the big time

Anyway Callum's pretty grumpy at Bella about the whole affair, and she gets demoted to front desk OH HO HO

Now Isaac's whinging that he doesn't have enough money to make ends meet. This is pretty offensive, I mean he's a surgeon at a private clinic who stays for free at his brother's apparently enormous mansion. What?

Uh, Sarah's unhappy about Vasa's nursing practices or something, there's an unreasonably long shot of her smouldering gaze

Bella relates her story to Wendy, and tells her the headline on today's paper reads "idiot PA sends out wrong press release, loses job". Which probably wouldn't actually be in a newspaper in real life



Isaac has realised if he sucks he will be forced to work overtime, and earn some more sweet cash. Shortland St is here sowing the seeds for what is sure to be an unbearably shitty storyline

Now it turns out Bella sent out the wrong email because Brodie was distracting her, so Wendy takes it upon herself to physically push both Brodie and Bella into a room and yell at them:



and seriously, Brodie must be wondering what the hell he's gotten into. They're grown adults, and his girlfriend's shrill mother is yelling at him and telling him what to do? Jesus Christ, what a fucking overbearing bitch

Now Hunter's being all "oh yeah I'm almost a doctor" and acting like a smug dick all over ED and telling TK how to do things. TK is all "you're keen, also you look like a lesbian"

Can't tell if he looks more like Camp Mother or Camp Leader but Tracey DIGS IT



Callum's having a real good day, made better by Brooke:





Probably the best part about Shortland St is the extras they get to play patients. It's like they just wheel in the craziest people off the street and tell them they need to holler a bit, or something

Anyway Sarah and Vasa are still arguing about shit

Dr creepy bald glasses is onto Isaac's waste time - get paid overtime plan, so Isaac tries to throw him off by becoming all blurry and flashing chilling grimaces:



NEW PLOT POINT: HUNTER IS SLEEPY. still lesbian

Oh yeah also Callum's planning on taking the hit for the British guy fiasco on Rachel's behalf. I'm guessing he doesn't know she secretly wants to stick it to Chris ho ho ho

In an unbelievably shitty piece of direction, the new PA temp introduces a brand new character, who is clearly visible waiting to enter the scene, it's pretty great. Callum greets him by moving in for a kiss or something:



Anyway it turns out this new guy is from the DHB who didn't know about the guy stealing hospital money? What the shit? Surely the health board would be first to know/wouldn't get all their hot information from the newspapers? I hope the DHB got a serious shakeup in last week's local body elections, is all I have to say

Anyway the new guy looks pretty evil, and if you're an evil-looking person you can only either be a villain or an actor

PLOT POINT: HUNTER IS STUDYING FOR EXAMS, SLEEPY, LESBIAN

Then Sarah takes a phone call:



Everyone in this show listens to the worst music imaginable in their homes

Isaac uses cheese on toast as a signifier of poverty, but jesus has he seen the price of cheese lately? Dick. Then he repeatedly demands Brooke "put on something hot" to "go out"

Scotty wants Hunter's almost-doctor services in ED, but Hunter is sleepy!!!

Oh what the hell is this, now Sarah's having a conversation with Callum, and I am not kidding, this is actual dialogue:

[Callum offers Sarah whiskey]
Sarah: No thanks
Callum: Oh of course, I forgot, you have MS. You make it easy to forget
Sarah: I'm just lucky that my symptoms haven't been too severe and I've had long periods where I'm symptom-free, like now

WHAT THE FUCK

It's like they were like "oh we have a Sarah MS storyline coming up, let's shoehorn in the worst, most obvious exposition ever to remind viewers of her actually pretty horrible disease"

Also, Callum got suspended

Also, Hunter fell asleep on the job, and someone called Dylan might be dead, so he calls for help:



BUT IT'S TOO LATEEE and Scotty's pretty grumpy

ROLL CREDITS