OCTOBER 21: CUT MY LIFE INTO PIECES

TOBIAS ROLLING THUNDER

I'm telling you, this is getting serious

LAST TIME ON SHORTLAND ST Maxwell was all "hey let's go to a party" and Sarah was like "nah" so Maxwell went and stuck it to Vasa. Aw jeez.

Tonight's show opens with said party, which in true Shortland Street party tradition, seems to be about five arbitrarily-chosen characters milling about someone's house:



And I gotta say, there's something weird about wearing a leather jacket inside at a party. Judging by the amount of beer left in TK's glass we can assume one of the following things:

- he came in, and immediately started downing beer, no time to take off his jacket
- he's the kind of person who likes to let people know when he's got a leather jacket

Regardless, it looks like Callum had a fight with DHB guy, who looks like Jude Law, but about 70% more gargoyle. Or something. TK has a weird heart-to-heart with Jennifer and offers her a shoulder to cry on... "anytime". Jeeeeeez.

Next we see Maxwell and Vasa in smouldering post-coital embrace, real smug and kind of gross. The worst part is Maxwell's nipple, looming large in the immediate foreground:



Uh terrible dialogue between Sarah and Daniel, who is going to a bar, and describes himself as "sonsy". For what I am sure are extremely plot-relevant reasons, it's mentioned that it's raining outside.

Meanwhile, other minor characters are having a jammin' time down at the bar:



They're using the same god damned rain-on-the-roof sound in the background of EVERY SCENE, which is real weird when you consider the bar is actually downstairs. Where's the sound coming from then? Weird.

Anyway, Sophie and Brodie decide to promote some sweet bar events like true members of today's generation - via text message and their "MyLife pages".

Maxwell then comes home and dumps Sarah, who's real chill. Just look at her crazy eyes:



They broke up because of something about TK's presence in Sarah's life, or something. Another beautiful romance, destroyed.

I want there to be a television show where every character is played by Brooke

Some teenager's come in with a munted arm, and Jennifer mysteriously puts Isaac on the case, until everyone's all "nah you do it" and then after like five scenes of deliberation she eventually says okay. I'm sure this is real crucial character building for the still-enigmatic Jennifer, but really Shortland St, there's no need to be so coy.

Then we learn the reason for the rain subplot: it was a storm, and it damaged Isaac's new boat, along with the boat next to it, and he can't afford to fix both of them. I really don't get this Isaac poverty storyline, like, how out of touch are the Shortland Street writers? He's a surgeon, for Christ's sake.

At least we get some quality Brooke out of that scene:



Shit gets awkward the next day at Sarah house, as Daniel offers Maxwell a "brew" (I guess he means coffee?) and Maxwell's all "nah" but doesn't give the true reason until Sarah enters the scene, for maximum awkwardness

Sarah's all "we might be breaking up" and Maxwell's like "oh no we ARE breakin up sister". It's pretty tragic, eerily reminiscent of that scene in the Office where David Brent begs that woman not to fire him.

Jeez, TK's like emotionally forcing himself on Jennifer. Smothering her with sensitive reminders that she can talk to him.

Callum don't want the bar to have an Oktoberfest party/is having a seizure:



but he comes around to the idea

Anyway Wendy and Vasa (my favourite double team BACK TOGETHER AGAIN) make plans to go on a Christmas camping trip together with their families. They tell Ula, who's predictably not impressed, and are all "you should have seen your face!". This is the face in question:



... which is eerily similar to every other face Ula has ever made on the show. Note to Shortland St script writers - only use lines like "you should have seen your face" when you have cast members who are capable of more than one facial expression

Anyway, their camping ruse gets laughs all round, and the world keeps turning

Jennifer's munted arm surgery is all going wrong! Cardiac arrest!

OnDemand just gave me two ads in a row. What the hell is this?

TK finds a patient wristband on the floor, and Tracey clumsily delivers a beautiful observation that "[patient wristbands] aren't meant to come off". It turns out to be the munted arm girl's bracelet, and it turns out she's allergic to medication or something. Upon this information coming through, she immediately recovers from the toxins.

Brodie wants to hold the Oktoberfest party the night after he plans it. People probably need a but more notice. It's mentioned that Sophie is a widow, which is true, and a totally bizarre thought.

Sarah reaches out to TK in her time of need, but he only has a sensitive guy heart for Jennifer, or something.

But Jesus, TK's a cool guy:



I'm guessing that girl's hospital bracelet came off because HER ARM WAS FALLING OFF. Anyway Jennifer and TK go out to for coffee, and TK makes his "aw yeah I'm smooth" face:



It then cuts to Sarah bitching to Maxwell being all "I say no to a quickie on the desk so you scoot over to Vasa's". What with her MS and her cheating heart boyfriend, her life is abject misery.

She admits to liking TK, but strangely, she calls him "DK". Which just makes me wish she had a massive, undying love for Donkey Kong. She truly is a woman smitten:



Hey remember how Sarah and TK only broke up because Brooke was still a villain at that point and was all trying to ruin them from the inside, via TK's unrelenting lust for babies? How come TK doesn't still want wall-to-wall babies? Since his desire has abated, surely it's time they gave this a second chance, right?

TK and Jennifer got their coffees to go and go on a very well-shot forest walk:



It's a pretty unbelievably shitty scene, in which Jennifer tells this terrible story about people who look like celebrities, but TK is LOVIN IT:



TK entertains himself by laughing at fatties, and then they make out for a while.

And then the credits roll.

Well, that's half an hour of my life wasted.