So Scotty got shot in the face or something while up kidnapped by Penny, he fell into a grave but he's probably alright
While lying in a muddy hole, it's revealed he has stunningly white teeth and pretty soon Tracey and Sarah are on the scene, running in a bizarrely ungainly manner: What follows is the most awkward and badly choreographed fight scene since "Batman: The Dark Knight" erupted onto cinema screens in 2008. Penny escapes, and Sarah and Tracey return Scotty to the precious hospital
Penny then gets home to the flat real upset, and Hunter's all "is it work? is it Brody? why are you upset?" and probably it'd be bad form if she replied "oh I'm just real bummed because I was trying to kill this guy, then he told me my dad raped a girl, so i shot the guy but then there was a terrible fight scene"
Then the police come, so naturally Hunter does what anyone would do, and lets her escape out the window
Back at the hospital, it's revealed Scotty is on something called "prussian blue," which I'm pretty sure is the name of a white supremacist country act but whatever
Hunter's giving the cops some serious attitude. The main cop, who looks an awful lot like I'd imagine a crocodile to look if crocodiles were humans, doesn't take kindly to that:
Meanwhile, Sarah's comparing getting nearly shot to a good shift at the hospital, and decides it's time to have some "nearly just got shot sex" by sticking it to Maxwell.
Callum's comforting Hunter at home, but really this scene is pretty much filler
Scotty's got some kind of night terrors, and Tracey's having a pretty tough time because I mean Penny did bop him on the head and stuff
Sarah's having some serious comedown from her nearly-got-killed-zest for life and decides to spend the rest of the day lying on the couch making ridiculous faces with her bizarrely hairy gorilla arms:
Also Tracey's being a total bitch to Hunter for no reason in the hospital and seriously there's no need for that. I mean she got beat up by a serial killer and now he's dating a serial killer and I'm pretty sure they once dated and seriously what
Now Maxwell and Sarah are sitting on the couch discussing which supermodel Maxwell would be via a quiz in Maxwell's daughter's magazines or something. I guess this is meant to be a picture of domestic bliss, but seriously this scene seems like hell
Then Maxwell gets a call on his cellphone, which has this sweet light jazz ringtone
Crocodile cop is telling Tracey about how Scotty doesn't need protection fron Penny's wrath in the hospital because "most of the staff can recognise her". Because pretty much if a deranged murderer was after me you know I'd want like Yvonne to have my back some of the time, except for when she's on a break or something. Jesus. Anyway Tracey can't believe this, and naturally, tells the crocodile cop to "watch your back". Which is totally what you say to homicide detectives.
Sarah and her gorilla arms are taking a rest on the couch, so Maxwell scandalously defers to hang out with his slut wife at parent-teacher interviews or something. Don't know.
Brodie's reading up on the Penny case in the newspaper (because you know, he doesn't live with her and know exactly what's going already): and I have some serious reservations about this paper. For a starter, the lead story has the headline "prices rise again", which would never be a front page lead, and if it was, it would have a way better head. Also, a serial killer is probably more important news. Also, headlines generally aren't written in capital letters. Also, no way the police would release as much information as there seems to be in that story. Also, that paper's probably going to Press Council for seriously jeopardising an ongoing police investigation BUT WHATEVER
I've been pretty not angry so far this episode but bad newspaper followed with fucking Wendy has ruined everything. I hate Wendy. She is dead weight on this show, she is a horrible wretched she-beast and I hope someone destroys her either emotionally or physically I don't mind
Penny returns to Hunter's flat in this real solid incognito disguise to ask for some money or something:
Also I've noticed this show uses the same over-the-shoulder shots for like every scene. Get some creativity, everyone involved in this awful programme!
Hunter may/may not give her money, still looks like a lesbian. Brooke wasn't in this episode once, which really bums me out, but Fleur Saville is on the cover of the TV Guide this week and it calls her "Libby" which can only be good news for New Zealand I think? I mean I have standards, I'm not gonna just pick up a TV Guide and read it, but it pretty much got me through my day
So on TVNZ this is the synopsis for last night's episode: "Tracey pieces together a life-or-death jigsaw, Brooke plays fairy godmother, and Scotty is hunted down like a dog".
I don't think any of us care about Brooke playing a fairy godmother BUT it is pretty exciting that Tracey is putting together the pieces! SHE USED TO BE A COP YOU KNOW!? GUYS!? REMEMBER HOW SHE USED TO BE A COP?
So this review WILL NOT BE COVERING any other boring bullshit JUST the Penny/Paula/Scotty-hunted-down-like-a-dog storyline.
So let's begin with Penny luring Scotty to a carpark where she promptly smashes him over the head with a tyre iron.
She stuffs his bleeding body into the back of her really cool old car and takes off!
Meanwhile, Sarah and Tracey do some good exposition so we, the audience, can understand why Penny/Paula is trying to slay Scotty. According to the google analytics some people found this blog by googling the following: "paula sinclair, shortland street", "shortland street will penny kill scotty", "shortland street penny scotty poison" and "why did penny want scotty dead on shortland street". This implies to me that the fans are using the internet much in the same way I use the internet: as some kind of magic psychic medium who has all the answers to the pertient questions including whether penny will kill scotty. So since at least four people craved these answers (but did not, apparently find the answers here since they each spent an average of 0.0001 minutes on this blog) I think the exposition of Sarah and Tracey begs to be covered here:
Penny used to be called Paula Sinclair and when she was 7 her dad, Greg, was in East Timor with Scotty who, if you will remember, used to be in the army. Greg was having an affair with Scotty's then girlfriend, Jodie and one night Greg "went too far" and raped Jodie. Then Greg got shot by "friendly fire" on patrol and Scotty made the call to wait until it was safe to go help him. He died though.Nice call Scotty. There was an inquest and he was found not to be a killer. But Penny/Paula doesn't believe this. She also doesn't, at this point, know about the whole rape angle. She has been poisoning him for a long time but has decided for some reason that now is the time to give up on the slow death thing and instead kidnap Scotty and kill him once and for all.
And this is where we are at when we begin this episode!
So Tracey and Sarah are jabbering on about whether or not Penny is a murderess. Sarah thinks no but Tracey votes YES! Also, Penny stole Tracey's phone and for reasons unknown put it in the boot of her car along with Scotty's unconscious body.
Penny is flying along the rural roads of Ferndale on her way to murder central and a cop pulls her over for driving 5kms over the speed limit. She does her best to distract him from the yelling Scotty in the boot and her general insanity and she does a very nice job indeed!
"I don't have to tell you what pay's like in the public service, I'm a nurse"
The cop makes this face
Police pay is actually not bad really and has some nice bonuses such as use of holiday homes and stuff so I think this shows Penny's poor research skills.
Then the script really jumps the shark and desperately attempts to be "with it" and "cool" with the cop saying "Your suspension is really low (cos Scotty's bloody body is weighing it down) and says he will check it out "Safer communities together, you know blow on the pie and all that".
:( PLEASE STOP TRYING SHORTLAND STREET. It's really sad and makes me embarrassed for you. Also what universe does Shortland Street exist in? Obviously it has youtube and experienced the whole "blow on the pie" hilarity extravaganza, but it also experiences highly disproportionate serial killer rates, for example the characters included in this storyline are Sarah, Tracey and Scotty. Sarah was once sort of hunted by the people who killed Craig, Tracey was almost killed by Joey and now Scotty (whose dead wife Shanti was also stalked by Joey and attacked and maybe killed by that virus making serial killer) is being hunted down by a whole new serial killer. At the same time Maia, another killer, is back working at the hospital with her biggest worry being photos of her and her lesbian lover making the internet rounds while her mother, who ALSO suffered the effects of a killer (when she got the bone cancer from the corpses Ethan stole from nursing homes) tut tuts about bad morals. Similarly, Hunter, who is dating current killer Penny, and who once dated Kieran's murder victim Morgan, once had to pretend his mother was dead because of Craig killer people being after her and who himself caused the murder of Yvonne's man Ben in a carpark full of louts. Meanwhile, Gerald worries about how ergonomic his desk is, himself having been the kidnap victim of ferndale strangler Joey and Kieran's killer who fell of a cliff.
I think maybe the Ferndale police should stop watching youtube clips and Good Morning and instead focus on the wildly escalating murder rates in Ferndale. Change the motto from "safer communities together" to "better catch those fucking serial killers".
But about the whole universe of Shortland Street thing, there is something that has always bugged me and which I have had many conversations with Toby about before: in this universe Lord of the Rings movies can't exist because otherwise Chris would be all "hang on, when did my brother Guy become an actor and an elf?" and McDonalds can't have the same ads because otherwise Scotty would be like "when did my dead wife Shanti work at the Mcdonalds drive thru with someone called Pete who she will see at work on Thursday?". Also,in their universe there is no Coronation Street because Adam Rickett was on that and that also means they have never heard the immortal song "I breathe again"
Maybe in their universe there is a 7pm NZ soap where WE are all the stars? :0 It's almost just like inception.
Back to Scotty in the boot: Tracey calls him again and he groans and grunts and misses the call. He calls back though (phew!) and he is all "Tracey! Penny is nuts! she knocked me out!" and Tracey is like "have you called the cops?" and he is like "nah. they'd think i'm nuts". What? I don't think the police are in the habit of taking 111 calls and being all "haha yeah right! as if you are in the boot of a car bleeding out and being kidnapped! lol!"
So Tracey and Sarah are all "let's go! we have to find a traintrack by a bakery!" (Scotty smelt bread or something and they heard railway bell things) and so off they go! I am not sure why the police are not the ones doing this but oh well!
TRACEY USED TO BE A COP YOU KNOW!
Anyway, Penny stops the car and goes to open the boot. Scotty lamely tries to hit her with a shovel or something
But he sucks and she mocks him half heartedly. Then she goes on for a while about all the people she has killed including "Gary" and "Warren" who she succeeded in killing in a variety of fun-loving ways including "heart problems (?), "cars" and "drugs".
Meanwhile Tracey continues to flip out in the car ranting on about how bad the police are these days and how she should have known that Penny was a killer. She has a point, we all knew she was a crazy weeks ago! GET WITH THE PROGRAMME TRACEY
Penny forces Scotty to get a shovel and stumble towards a pile of dirt. She is carrying her rifle pretty badly and he has a shovel. He could, I think, easily shovel her right in the face but for some reason he just keeps on whinging and stumbling around in the mud.
See? He could take her head off in a second!
But he doesn't and instead Penny hilariously forces him to dig his own grave! OH PENNY! YOU ARE SO INVENTIVE AND INDUSTRIOUS
Scotty tries to convince Penny that she could still be a nurse if she just stops murdering him but she is all "I have a degree in chemistry. Why would I want to slum it for a living?". Well excuse me Miss Fancy Pants but last time I checked you need to get you some post grad shit to do anything in the science area, but really that is the least of my worries about this storyline so I guess I will let it slide.
Scotty continues to dig up rocks and listens to Penny tell us why she suddenly decided to kidnap Scotty, torture him and kill him instead of her cunning poison plan. The answer is "it was getting boring". I think we will all agree with that one. Scotty is all "maybe you're not cut out to be a killer" which is a pretty lame suggestion given that she has already murdered two of his friends. She is all "shut up or I will blow your head off" in the most unconvincing threat I have ever heard.
I know I said I wouldn't cover the boring Brooke storyline but these two scenes happened:
Yuck.
Anyway, back at murder site Penny is questioning Scotty on her dead father. Scotty is all "he was a talented athlete" and Penny is "THAT SUCKS TELL ME MORE! MUM NEVER TOLD ME ANYTHING EITHER" and Scotty says "Maybe she had her reasons" and Penny is all "ARGH! grumble grumble".
Tracey and Sarah, meanwhile, are busy smelling yeast and realise that they need to find a brewery not a bakery and zoom off to dispense some justice.
Penny demands that Scotty kneel so she maybe can execute him but then just grills him about the secret that no one will tell her about her dad. Scotty is all "yeah he was a horrible rapist!" and she's all "ARGH! NO! YOU LIAR!" and Scotty yells "THAT'S WHY WHEN GREG GOT SHOT I LET HIM SUFFER! I LET HIM DIE!!!" and then Penny spins around and shoots Scotty! He spins around and falls into his freshly dug grave.
Maybe he will soon go off to have some good old times with Shanti in the nurse's station in the sky?
Probably not though based on the fact that I have already seen tonight's episode and he didn't die. Shanti will have to wait a bit longer for the return of her angry prince. At least she will see Pete at work on Thursday.
So the other night Yvonne got really mad at Maia because Maia and Nicole had a sexy time at the impromptu netball party at their house. Everyone got all naughty and half naked and Nicole and Maia made out and stuff. Then Yvonne saw some photos from the party that Brodie put online and got REALLY REALLY angry! She pulls Maia aside and gives her a good telling off. Which is a bit weird and homophobic because they are a couple after all, they are allowed to kiss you know Yvonne!
The weird thing about the conversation though was this exchange: Maia: "Mum, it was just a party!" Yvonne: "I raised you with good values. I didn't raise you to sink this low"
Now Yvonne is referencing having a party and taking some photos with her girlfriend. What Yvonne fails to acknowledge is that MAIA BRUTALLY MURDERED SOMEONE!
She has already sunk as low as you get really! Making out with Nicole is not actually a big deal ESPECIALLY once you compare it to other things she could be doing: ie more gun slayings.
Once you have gunned someone down in cold blood basically anything else you do after can never be referred to as "sinking this low".
Clearly Yvonne thinks making out with your girlfriend at a party is way worse than murder.Yvonne is a bad bad woman! BAD!
Also, check out this sweet video which features said murder!
Hats off to Toby and Sean for spending their days trawling the internet for Shortland Street material.
Nicole's weekly outgoings are $495. She is going to scrap her $40 socialising money to pay off her $1500 bill from pouring soapy water into the rivers and lakes. Or was it $150000? It must be $1500 right? Hmmm maybe its $15,0000? According to my research it could be quite expensive?
Yes. It was $1500. Glad that is sorted.
Maia is going to give Nicole $5 so she can play in the big netball grudge match later on this afternoon and then Maia wants Nicole to participate in some "other indoor sports". That is prostitution Nicole! You are worth more than $5!
Gerald has sore hands and stuff. Libby is referenced as "a midget". Brooke tells Gerald to "fight for your ergonomic rights, Quasimodo!". Weird.
More sexual tension between Rachel and Chris. She wants to prove that she doesn't want to stick it ALL OVER Chris by saying that she needs coffee because "me and Callum were up all night". Significant stare. She has printed off "HARD copies" for Chris. Signficant pause.
Nicole has to choose between overtime and the big netball grudge match. This is just like High School Musical where Troy has to choose between the musical which is scheduled at the EXACT SAME TIME as the big basketball game!
Meanwhile, Ula is busy bullying Wendynurse's kids, "Jazzmaggot" and other kid. Mostly Jazzmaggot though. She plays a funny prank and puts THIS book in Jazzmaggot's bag!
I LOVE THIS BOOK! When I was like 8-14 I got this book out every single week from the town library! Although I think it was called "What's happening to me!?!!?!?" and it had this really detailed drawing of a woman getting more and more pregnant. It fascinated and horrified me and I blame it for my current phobia of pregnancy/the act of giving birth.
Jazzmaggot is embarrassed! OH NO! Librarian: "It's perfectly natural! Curiousity ho ho ho!"
:(
Oh look! The Shortie Shooters won against central! Gerald is really bummed cos his desk hurts him and so Callum got him a new one- BUT its not a new one! It's some called Cyril's old desk! and Gerald says "I don't want Cyril's sloppy seconds!'. That makes two of us!
Sarah and Maia discuss Maia getting Nicole in the mood for some hot lesbian loving. Sarah: "You've got the chocolate mousse, now get creative!". SCANDAL!
Nicole goes to the netball after party and Maia has planned a sexy night in for them with candles and romantic music and shit but then Nicole invites the entire netball team back to their place for an orgy or something! THAT'S WHAT I CALL A PARTY!
oh! Maia is all sexed up in her black silk robe! OH AND SHE TAKES IT OFF AND SHE IS IN A SEXY NETBALL OUTFIT! She has pinned a "C" to her best sexy nightie! What do YOU think "C" stands for? I know I have my suspicions...
She's going to get her whistle blown, if you know what I mean! But hang on, time out! Brodie is hear with Luke Durvel and a whole host of random characters! Looks like this sexy match up has been rained out or something!
This has depressed me. I never go to these kinds of parties.
Scotty was about to burn alive! TRACEY RETURNED AND SAVED THE DAY! She is an ex-cop so she is going to do some sleuthing!!!!
GO TRACEY! UNEARTH PENNY'S PLOT PLEASE!
I am LIVE BLOGGING this so there are NO SCREENSHOTS TONIGHT instead the power of my typing is going to have to be enough folks! Oh and also maybe some attempts at using google image search and paint to get the point across...
JESUS CHRIST I AM EATING THE MOST DELICIOUS TINY CAKE FROM MOORE WILSONS RIGHT NOW IT IS CALLED "DUCHESSE" AND MY GIDDY AUNT IT IS THE BEST THING MY GOD!!!
Tracey saved Scotty! She is onto Penny! Penny is uncomfortable with such a strong woman! I am really hoping for a cat fight on a bridge or something between the two of them later!
Oh! Vasa HATES Nicole and this is a LAME storyline! Vasa and Wendynurse discuss ham sandwiches. Really.
Sarah diagnoses Scotty with something that sounds like "bangariaos" syndrome or something? It made Tracey's face go like this:
I am trying to figure it out but as I am not a medical student or a master rememberer of terms I heard once then it is pretty hard. I have reserached some options though:
1)B. burgdorferi: Short for Borrelia burgdorferi, the cause of Lyme disease. Once the full name of a bacterium has been given, it is customary to refer to it in its short form. For example, "Borrelia burgdorferi...is responsible for Lyme disease, which can lead to debilitating symptoms in humans....?
2)Blepharophimosis: pink eye
3)Bogorad's syndrome:Spontaneous tearing in parallel with the normal salivation of eating. The crocodile tears syndrome occurs most often following facial paralysis when nerve fibers destined for a salivary gland are damaged and by mistake regrow into a tear gland. Also called Bogorad's syndrome, gustatolacrimal reflex, paroxysmal lacrimation.
4)Brown fat: Brown adipose tissue, a rapid source of energy for infants in whom it forms about 5% of their body weight. It is brown because the cells in it are packed full of small cellular organs called mitochondria, which are energy factories, and it has a rich supply of blood vessels. Brown fat is virtually gone by adulthood.
5)Bacterial vaginosis: A vaginal condition characterized by an abnormal vaginal discharge due to an overgrowth of normal bacteria in the vagina. Women with bacterial vaginosis have less of the normal vaginal bacteria called lactobacilli. Symptoms are the vaginal discharge and sometimes a fishy odor.....hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Anyway, I guess time will tell what syndrome Scotty is meant to have I guess but we all know what he really has right? A BAD CASE OF COME UPPANCE! Well, in Penny's opinion anyway. When Penny found out that Scotty hadn't met his grisly demise she was really angry. She looked kind of like this
Rachel and Chris are getting all lusty and close. Soon a very boring love affair will begin. Poor Callum! This will be the second time Chris has stolen one of his loves! Chris and Rachel get cosy on the couch and you can tell they are going to soon start sticking it to each other all over town.
Anyway, so we end with the potential for Tracey putting two and two together to get PENNY and Penny is more and more determined to fulfill her murderous plans.
WHAT EVER WILL HAPPEN TOMORROW!? WILL PENNY SUCCEED? WILL CHRIS AND RACHEL ORGASM? WILL NICOLE AND MAIA HAVE SOME KIND OF HOT SEX? The ad for tomorrow seemed to point to yes for the last one but time will tell!
Hi it's Tobias again, hopefully I'll make it through this episode. No promises, though.
LAST TIME ON SHORTLAND ST:
Scotty was crazy, went home from work, Penny, takes it upon herself to look after him herself, a virus is loose in the hospital but Callum and Rachel are away on holiday or something. NEAT
Penny's outside with Scotty, he's all "I don't want to vomit in my car" so she gives him a plastic bag. And he vomits in that: Which makes me wonder what Penny plans on doing with this plastic bag full of vomit. It's not the kind of thing you'd carry around. Probably I'd put it under someone else's car and hope for the best
Penny talks Scotty out of seeing a doctor BECAUSE SHE'S AN EVIL SUCCUBUS or some shit, playing with his mind, making him think he did things he didn't actually do. Because that's a plan that would totally work in real life. Anyway she's driving him home so she can poison him more or something. You can tell she's evil, because she has crazy eyes:
MEANWHILE inside the hospital evil suited guy is getting in a grump about the viral outbreak in the hospital or something. He's real bummed Callum's not around, but he seems like kind of a dick really.
Needless to say, he vomits, as a bald man watches on: That's two vomits in about three minutes. You sure know how to keep the viewers hooked Shortland St!
Oh yeah also Wendy and Vasa are talking about more boring shit because all their scenes are together because the creators were all "oh yeah these characters are total dead weight, let's lump them in together" because pretty much the best way to use your screentime is to have the worst characters ever take up like 50% of every episode with their useless shrill bullshit
"I'M FUCKING HORRIBLE"
Meanwhile, some more unbearably boring garbage is going on with Penny trying to poison Scotty in some bullshit slapstick comedy way, telling this interminably bad story about how she tried to get drunk off ginger ale or something. Anyway she poisons Scotty's drink, but he spills it everywhere and she's NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT: OH I'M SO ANGRY
Anyway she tries to make up for her pitifully shitty job of poisoning Scotty by making him TAKE TWICE THE RECOMMENDED DOSE OF SLEEPING PILLS. Oh no now he's going to fall into a mildly deep slumber
It's worth noting in this scene she's promised first a cup of tea, then a hot chocolate, but only made good on a poisoned glass of ginger ale. What a shitty caregiver.
Meanwhile, Wendy and Vasa are on the screen again, their expressions mirror those of everyone watching:
Wendy looks like the kind of person who suffered a depression once and is now all "know me before you judge me" but not like noble about it, real smug and horrible instead. I want to destroy her.
Oh yeah also suited guy isn't actually sick, he just ate some bad chicken.
There's some more shit going on in Scotty's house with this real edgy hand-held camerawork, while Penny creeps around trying to poison him. It's worth noting me and Scotty have the same cellphone. Pretty happy about that
Callum and Rachel are back, a few people are mildly grumpy AND LOOK WHO'S WASTING MY VALUABLE TIME AGAIN:
I HOPE YOU ARE BOTH KILLED
Meanwhile Chris is telling Callum about the media cottoning on to the red-hot viral infection outbreak in the hospital. Pretty sure sick people in hospital isn't a news story, but hey whatever. Meanwhile, Chris is all "the byline is, crisis averted." Which isn't what a byline is at all. Basically anytime something newspaper-related comes up I'm gonna get angry
Also Chris keeps talking about some babe named Jane. Sounds pretty smokin'
Also TVNZ on demand is running these horrible shopping ads with this awful jerk of a man who talks like Sam Hunt after suffering a brutal stroke. FUCK OFF
Anyway the show comes back in to my favourite duo WENDY AND FUCKING VASA with this immortal line: "Plus, I make my own jam!"
Whoever writes this god damned trainwreck should be killed, seriously. Fucking bullshit.
Meanwhile, Scotty's as snug as a bug in a rug: so Penny's moved a gas heater like right in front of him, for delicious purposes probably
Maia and Sarah are all "SCOTTY'S TESTS ARE NOT CONSISTENT!" They are on to Penny's shitty poison plot, but probably this is gonna get dragged out for like ten weeks
Maia then makes a phone call: oh yeah also Maia once FUCKING MURDERED A GUY but whatever
Also Penny's heater/blanket combo is having POTENTIALLY DEADLY repercussions for slumbering Scotty:
AND ANOTHER SUCCESSFUL SHOW ENDS
Thoughts: This show needs to kill off the following characters: Sarah TK Vasa Wendy Rachel Yvonne Maia Harry Phoenix probably most of them
Needs to bring back Libby, have her team up with Brooke to investigate ghosts and make the show about their ghoul agency. There will be one episode where Brooke touches "haunted water" and disappears for about ten minutes, then appears again in a later scene and nobody mentions anything ever happened
Hi I'm Tobias and I'm making my gruesome return to blogging about Shortland Street. I hate myself. Also I haven't watched this show in more than a week, but you know. Probably going to be easy enough to pick up
LAST TIME ON SHORTLAND STREET
Scotty was angry, has enormous mouth:
And that's all that happened.
Fabulous CEO Callum's talking about launching something next week on the telephone, while charming gremlin Rachel cravenly whispers negative thoughts at him. Rachel totally sucks and says the word "signs" like 400 times in one sentence. Then things get weird:
And the two decide they'll take a couple of days off. Great!
Maia and Vasa seem to have taken Scotty hostage in the break room, who hilariously calls Maia a "crazy dyke". God this show rules. Callum gets all sensitive and tries to placate our oddball simian friend
Chris' stupid son stumbles in with his new school uniform, everyone laughs at him. oh god what a bunch of pricks this scene is so awkward and stilted. Also it's first thing in the morning before school, so why's Isaac drinking beer? what?
Sarah's giving Scotty a once-over for "crazy". PROGNOSIS... NEGATIVE
Really not in the mood for this, so I'm just going to present a series of screen grabs with occasional plot points from now on:
Meanwhile Callum and Rachel are in some kind of bach. I hope someone murders them
HELLO NOW ITS GABRIELLE!
Toby couldn't take any more of this so now I am taking control!
SO Scotty is at home being all sick and talking to Tracey on the phone
There is a knock at the door, "Babe I've gotta go there's someone at the door"
It's Penny with some poison. She delivers a "bugblaster" drink she made and finds out that Scotty is having tests done. I guess now she is going to have to go and mess with the tests. I wish this storyline would progress.
Callum and Rachel are at the bach. There is some boring storyline about her liking her laptop more than sticking it to Callum in the shower. He catches her using her laptop and this is the face she makes
AND THEN CALLUM PUTS HER PHONE BATTERY IN HER ORANGE JUICE!!!!
Callum and Rachel are having lusty times in an outdoor bath BUT there has been an outbreak of some disease and Chris is trying to get hold of them! BUT HE CAN'T!!!!
And that's the end of the episode! PLEASE HIRE SOME NEW WRITERS SHORTLAND STREET!
Because I haven't seen shortland street in the last 4 days I have no idea what's going on. So I thought I should probably do some research before I just jump straight into this episode's review so I randomly clicked on one of the on demand episodes. I was talking to my parents on the phone at the same time and I was trying to make easymac for dinner so I wasn't really paying enough attention to put this in context but for some reason (POISON REASONS I THINK) it is really important that Hunter ate Scotty's butter chicken and Hunter and Scotty are talking about meat pie sandwiches in the staff room.
Hunter: "Pie sandwich? As in meat pie in a sandwich?" Scotty: "I'm telling you, they were the business! You'd nuke a microwave pie get two doorstops of white bread, smother them with butter, add tomato sauce" Hunter: I'd hate to think what that did to your arteries" DON'T WORRY ABOUT HIS ARTERIES HUNTER YOUR GIRLFRIEND OR MAYBE EX-GIRLFRIEND IS SLOWLY POISONING HIM! CLOGGED ARTERIES ARE THE LEAST OF HIS WORRIES!
I tried to google "pie sandwich" but all I kept getting was this photo
Anyway so Penny comes in and Hunter burps really loudly and espouses on the virtue of dead Shanti's glorious curry recipe and Penny realises Hunter ate it and not Scotty and makes this face:
Sarah and Wendy nurse get in a lift and discuss finances. This scene is boring and really got me questioning the efficiency of the Shortland Street lifts. How many stories do you think Shortland Street hospital has? Do we know? I tried to do some research and the best I could do was find this opening shot:
I am almost certain that level 5 is not a floor really but a rooftop where Tiffany fell but let's just say for argument's sake that there are 5 floors to travel. Say that Sarah and Wendy were going from ground to the roof (which is unusual but they could also want to fall off the roof) then the journey took them 34.58 seconds. That is a pretty long time to travel that far. I tried to find out what the average lift escalation rate was but since I am not the best at google I couldn't really find out my answer.
But I am fairly confident that 34.58 seconds to go up a maximum of 5 floors is not what you would want or expect from a hospital lift where speed and efficiency should surely be of utmost importance. Next time you are in a lift you should maybe take note of how long it takes you to go up 5 floors (WITHOUT STOPPING MIND YOU) and see if it is 34.58 seconds. I bet its not.
Anyway, Penny sneaks throw-up drugs into Hunter's apple juice and then challenges him to a series of toasts about her being sorry, them getting back together, committing slow murder etc etc and they are back on! He obediently vomits. It's pretty unfair really because now he is going to blame poor dead Shanti's curry recipe for his ensuing barf fest which is the LAST thing she needs.
Blah blah blah Maia/Brooke/Isaac showdown at the IV it's boring, I skipped through that. Suddenly it's the next morning and Isaac and Brooke and Gerald are up at 6:30. Gerald is off to work but Isaac suggests they go out for breakfast. AT 6:30!!! If someone suggested to me to get up and go eat at 6:30 I would smash them over the head with last nights dishes. One by one. But they are all "oh yeah! cool! Breakfast in the dark!". Isaac suggests "The Penlington" and Gerald expresses his horror at this! Apparently "The Penlington" is very expensive and high faluting. In 2008, when we had just moved to Wellington and didn't know what a shithole Karori West was, we used to live in a ramshackle flat perched on top of a hill on a street called "Penlington Place". It was the opposite of high faluting. It had mice, a door which flew open in the wind, a cat door with no flap 2 metres off the ground, a sliding door which opened to a 5 metre drop and a mysterious stain on the bedroom carpet which turned out to be wax. In my mind Isaac is inviting Brooke to this flat, accurately called "The Crapshack" by one of our old flatmates. Brooke and Isaac could stick it to each other surrounded by mice and end up with wax encrusted backs. Brooke could suddenly get coy and try to make an escape but in her hurry choose the wrong door and wrench open the sliding door plummeting metres to the cold hard ground below.
That's not what happened though.
Oh, while I was lost in my imaginary Penlington adventure Wendy has been on the phone to her man "Murray" about the power being cut off. She is so going to use the shortland street social club money as her own personal treasure trove in the nearish future since she just became the treasurer. What a boring storyline. She implores him "babe! I will deal with this! please trust me babe!". I absolutely HATE the word "babe" if anyone ever sincerely called me babe I would do bad bad things. Like use the last of the toilet paper and hide the remote. Absolute deal breaker.
Wendy tries to do the right thing and give Nicole (social club boss) the eftpos card and receipt but Nicole is all "oh you look after all that crap, I just have fun!". This is what my sister, a budding accountant, would call a serious "lack of internal controls. Wendy will soon be led down the path of vice and sin THANKS NICOLE.
Maxwell has opinions about litter in his only scene tonight "People who leave empty bottles on the beach should be shot. Correction, people who leave ANY litter on the beach should be shot". He should probably run for ACT on that platform.
Nicole is trying to convince random people to join the netball team including this extra
She doesn't want to be in the netball team. She has no lines so she indicates this by shaking her head slowly multiple times and staring. Also, for some reason "advertisement' is plastered across her head and I don't know how to get it off. Embarrassing!
Okay? I think I am kind of caught up on what happened recentlyish?
NOW on to TONIGHT'S EPISODE!!!!!
Boring boring, Wendy drama, looks like her kid stole money from the social club eftpos card? But she is getting blamed for it? Or is THAT a ruse? No interest in this storyline sorry! Well, apart from the fact that Yvonne announces that Libby used to steal lollies from the pick'n'mix at supermarkets! YAY LIBBY! Oh and also this is Wendy's son Evan. He hates her this much.
Brooke does this face
Gerald is getting told off by Callum for taking a break and thus delaying the budgets or something equally boring BUT Gerald denies he had a long break, he says "15 minutes no more! But then I had to WAIT AGES FOR THE LIFT!" This is the kind of internal consistency that really gets my juices going! So now we KNOW that the Shortland Street lifts ARE IN FACT UNUSUALLY SLOW! AND we know that the password to Shortland Street's online banking account is SHORTY111.
Shorty: Courtesy of the internet 1)A spiteful term used to address a vertically challenged human being. Hey shorty, how's the weather down under? 2)affectionate term for a girlfriend, attractive female or concubine. ie: Yo shorty, it's your birthday
3)A term contrived by some asshole or group of assholes to mean a sexy or attractive female. I buy mah shorty diamonds and call her shorty because she is very sexy yet has the brains of a turtle and thinks shorty is a cute adorable term instead of what it really is. Another mindless slang invented by people that live their lives in dance clubs. related: slut whore bitch club rat female.
4)When one defecates instead of farting. Dude, i just did a shorty. Man i thought it was safe. Bro you better clean that up before it creeps down your leg.
And finally, and most eloquently
5)A hooker u c tat u liek teh lool of yo shoyte (shorty) cum ova here an let me Fuck u blind shoyte shore-t shortie bitch u
All in all, the perfect choice of passwords for Yvonne.
I got a text from my friend Erin during this episode saying "PENNY'S LIES ARE UNRAVELING!" and now I see what she meant! Penny is ACTUALLY called "Paula Sinclair" and Brodie is closing in on her and her web of lies! But as we know that this sort of high tension drama must be prolongued for a while longer I am thinking she has a clever, probably "woe is me" lie up her sleeve. And oh. She does. "OH THAT'S MY PIG OF A FATHER'S NAME! HE MADE MY MOTHER KILL HERSELF! SOB SOB SOB LOOK AT ME DOING THIS CRYING FACE THING"
Hunter is comforting and Brodie is thoroughly ashamed. That bitch better get her come uppance soon making cool guy have to put on his sad face.
Wendy's son makes this face: still featuring advertisement.
The ads are on. Today I saw "The Collector". It was fucking disgusting. But I also saw a delightful cat on the Dixon St steps so that was lovely?
Oh, um So Penny "Paula" is now entrapping Brodie into a pseudo-sexual assault storyline. She manhandles him into a kiss-thing and he is all "STOP WHAT ARE YOU DOING!??!?" and she is all "ARGH RAPE MYTHS! WOMEN LIE ABOUT THIS KIND OF THING ALL THE TIME! JUST ASK PROFESSIONAL SPORTS TEAMS" and then Hunter shows up and she screams "ARGH! Get off me!" and her crafty plan has worked! Hunter thinks Brodie is a sexual deviant and Penny is a beautiful flower.
AND CLIFFHANGER!
When will we get to find out exactly what the hell is going on with this nutbag and why isn't Scotty dead yet? And will we EVER find out why Tania is part Maori? ENQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW!!??!??!
