Scotty is being poisoned and Vasa is a bitchy whore

Okay so everyone is over Kieran being dead. That's cool. Other really boring storylines have to be attended to.

Such as: Penny is killing Scotty. It's pretty funny. She is some kind of arsenic expert or something cos she realised some little boy had gone crazy drinking the weed killer or something because his spew smelt "like almonds". Scotty (or someone) was like "how did you know that?" and Penny was all "oh, I thought everyone knows what arsenic vomit smells like?".

Anyway. So this is the face that Penny makes while Scotty drinks the poison


Subtle.

So as Scotty glugs his poisoned-protein shake towards an inevitable reunion with Shanti in Hades Chris and his maybe-son PHOENIX are discussing whether Chris was the sperm that stuck it to Alison Raynor and made the 14 year old Barry Crump that is this kid:



I think Lionel Skeggins is the real baby-daddy here




There is a certain something here right?
While I was looking for a Lionel Skeggins photo I found the website of Lionel actor John Leigh. This is the first photo that came up:



Jesus.


Also, I found something else terrifying while searching for Lionel but I will save that little treasure for the end.

Anyway, I am getting distracted by Guiliana and Bill. God I hate that woman. Why am I watching it? Oh look. She is crying about a horse or something. I like it when she cries.

Anyway, so that Phoenix boy's Grandad went back to the farm because it got rainy there. Okay.

Guess who's back!? BROOKE! And she brought this face with her!



She has had some kind of awakening after her cancer scare and now she is done with making men the centre of her Brookieverse. She also has advice for Sophie about the death of her husband "She'll get over it". Thanks Brooke! Show us another face please?



Rachel is all "oh! you should bond with Sophie about how her husband Adam Rickett (and your ex fuckbuddy I am pretty sure) and your boyfriend Ethan both got murdered, but only Ethan by Maia! Remember how Maia killed him? Isn't it weird that Maia is a straight up murderer but no one cares anymore? remember how you were just talking about sick leave with her in the coffee shop? oh anyway, could you talk to Sophie about how both of your men were murderers who got what was coming to them? that could help?"

And predictably Brooke says "NO!" and makes this face



Bless her evil little soul. Look at those cheeks!

On to some really boring crap about Vasa being an over pronunciating bitch and red-haired bore Wendy fighting over bandaging ulcers. Scotty doesn't back up Wendy against evil Vasa and because I have already seen this episode I can tell that there is TROUBLE BREWING. By the way, have you seen Home and Away recently? There is some REALLY WEIRD SHIT going down about a possessed ventriloquist dummy called Mr Oddly...Alf plays his own grandad in a series of bizarre flash backs to when kid-Alf first became terrified of dummies. I would swap this boring ulcer storyline for some of that grade A crazy they are smoking over at Summer bay in a heartbeat.

I was trying to find a screengrab of this dummy/alf/flashback extravaganza but all I found was this...which I don't even know how to explain....



Strewth...

ANYWAY, so blah blah blah Wendy gives Brooke flowers on her first day back and for a moment Brooke is going to throw them out (?) but then she softens...maybe she will be a whole new Brooke? I hope not.

So gramps is heading back to the farm and Phoenix and old man have an awkward manly hug. For some reason there is an extended shot of Chris staring at them like this



I don't know what it is meant to show us.

Oh my god I still have two chapters of this show to go.

Boring bit where Chris and old man yell about Chris not wanting that Phoenix. Fair enough too, who would want him?

So despite Brooke being VERY against helping people, let alone tiny blondes like Sophie, Brooke is now seated in the McKay kitchen. Looks like that new and improved Brooke thing might be about right. Maybe she can win back TK. Who cares. Not me.

Sophie is whinging about how hard it is for her to have to deal with stupid stuff like potentially identifying Kieran's corpse and dealing with his/their two businesses. No mention of, you know, the fact that it is a bit sad maybe that her husband died? whatever, it gets in the way of Sophie's important whinging, journalism studies and being stalked by ethics lecturers. Oh, so I think the point of the scene was for Brooke to convince Sophie to go stay with Justine in Australia. LATERS SOPHIE.

GODDDDD THIS IS TAKING SOOOOOOOO LONG

Okay! So Wendy nurse = sad. Some patient = sick.
Penny is surprised because Scotty is giving her another go at nurse stuff. She doesn't like that he is being nice to her given that she is currently murdering him. I've been there.

Penny is checking off important dates in her calender "August- TICK" I guess that's something to do with her homicide. She seems troubled, like killing people is somehow disturbing. Oh look, here is a really subtle insight into Penny's thoughts on justice re: the Kieran storyline "He got what he deserved. He's a killer. A life for a life, that's the ONLY justice" You tell em you crazy bitch! She storms off, presumably to google "Sensible Sentencing Trust".

Okay so Wendy is chatting to old lady patient from before. It is revealed that Wendy told old lady to throw herself down the stairs so she could get ACC hip surgery or something. Issac walks in and is all "oh no you di'int!". But she did. Stupid, stupid Wendy.

So now Cool Guy is THE MANAGER of the I.V. I bet horse face is really pissed about that.



Surely they could, you know, HIRE someone a tad more qualified? I don't know why I am bothering trying to force logic into these storylines.

Meanwhile Scotty is still enjoying the sweet taste of poison. The lesson here is don't drink protein shakes.

Penny is thinking about stopping killing Scotty BUT THEN Hunter shows up all full of righteous anger and renews her desire for revenge slayings. See, they are a good couple, they inspire each other and push each other to reach their goals.

So now Scotty and Wendy-nurse are having a fight because of Wendy being bad and Scotty being a dick and Vasa being someone I want to stab. Wendy yells and looks like this



and this




and Scotty,well




He doesn't like it.

END OF EPISODE! and not ONE instance of anyone sticking it to anyone else. This isn't what I signed up for shortland street! get your act together!

Oh! A final image to haunt your nightmares

Remember Moira Crombie? Harlot old red haired wall of a woman in the style of Marge/Yvonne/Every receptionist on Shortland Street? WELL feast your eyes on THIS




OH MY LORD