I don't think any of us care about Brooke playing a fairy godmother BUT it is pretty exciting that Tracey is putting together the pieces! SHE USED TO BE A COP YOU KNOW!? GUYS!? REMEMBER HOW SHE USED TO BE A COP?
So this review WILL NOT BE COVERING any other boring bullshit JUST the Penny/Paula/Scotty-hunted-down-like-a-dog storyline.
So let's begin with Penny luring Scotty to a carpark where she promptly smashes him over the head with a tyre iron.
She stuffs his bleeding body into the back of her really cool old car and takes off!
Meanwhile, Sarah and Tracey do some good exposition so we, the audience, can understand why Penny/Paula is trying to slay Scotty. According to the google analytics some people found this blog by googling the following: "paula sinclair, shortland street", "shortland street will penny kill scotty", "shortland street penny scotty poison" and "why did penny want scotty dead on shortland street". This implies to me that the fans are using the internet much in the same way I use the internet: as some kind of magic psychic medium who has all the answers to the pertient questions including whether penny will kill scotty. So since at least four people craved these answers (but did not, apparently find the answers here since they each spent an average of 0.0001 minutes on this blog) I think the exposition of Sarah and Tracey begs to be covered here:
Penny used to be called Paula Sinclair and when she was 7 her dad, Greg, was in East Timor with Scotty who, if you will remember, used to be in the army. Greg was having an affair with Scotty's then girlfriend, Jodie and one night Greg "went too far" and raped Jodie. Then Greg got shot by "friendly fire" on patrol and Scotty made the call to wait until it was safe to go help him. He died though.Nice call Scotty. There was an inquest and he was found not to be a killer. But Penny/Paula doesn't believe this. She also doesn't, at this point, know about the whole rape angle. She has been poisoning him for a long time but has decided for some reason that now is the time to give up on the slow death thing and instead kidnap Scotty and kill him once and for all.
And this is where we are at when we begin this episode!
So Tracey and Sarah are jabbering on about whether or not Penny is a murderess. Sarah thinks no but Tracey votes YES! Also, Penny stole Tracey's phone and for reasons unknown put it in the boot of her car along with Scotty's unconscious body.
Penny is flying along the rural roads of Ferndale on her way to murder central and a cop pulls her over for driving 5kms over the speed limit. She does her best to distract him from the yelling Scotty in the boot and her general insanity and she does a very nice job indeed!
"I don't have to tell you what pay's like in the public service, I'm a nurse"
The cop makes this face
Police pay is actually not bad really and has some nice bonuses such as use of holiday homes and stuff so I think this shows Penny's poor research skills.
Then the script really jumps the shark and desperately attempts to be "with it" and "cool" with the cop saying "Your suspension is really low (cos Scotty's bloody body is weighing it down) and says he will check it out "Safer communities together, you know blow on the pie and all that".
:( PLEASE STOP TRYING SHORTLAND STREET. It's really sad and makes me embarrassed for you. Also what universe does Shortland Street exist in? Obviously it has youtube and experienced the whole "blow on the pie" hilarity extravaganza, but it also experiences highly disproportionate serial killer rates, for example the characters included in this storyline are Sarah, Tracey and Scotty. Sarah was once sort of hunted by the people who killed Craig, Tracey was almost killed by Joey and now Scotty (whose dead wife Shanti was also stalked by Joey and attacked and maybe killed by that virus making serial killer) is being hunted down by a whole new serial killer. At the same time Maia, another killer, is back working at the hospital with her biggest worry being photos of her and her lesbian lover making the internet rounds while her mother, who ALSO suffered the effects of a killer (when she got the bone cancer from the corpses Ethan stole from nursing homes) tut tuts about bad morals. Similarly, Hunter, who is dating current killer Penny, and who once dated Kieran's murder victim Morgan, once had to pretend his mother was dead because of Craig killer people being after her and who himself caused the murder of Yvonne's man Ben in a carpark full of louts. Meanwhile, Gerald worries about how ergonomic his desk is, himself having been the kidnap victim of ferndale strangler Joey and Kieran's killer who fell of a cliff.
I think maybe the Ferndale police should stop watching youtube clips and Good Morning and instead focus on the wildly escalating murder rates in Ferndale. Change the motto from "safer communities together" to "better catch those fucking serial killers".
But about the whole universe of Shortland Street thing, there is something that has always bugged me and which I have had many conversations with Toby about before: in this universe Lord of the Rings movies can't exist because otherwise Chris would be all "hang on, when did my brother Guy become an actor and an elf?" and McDonalds can't have the same ads because otherwise Scotty would be like "when did my dead wife Shanti work at the Mcdonalds drive thru with someone called Pete who she will see at work on Thursday?". Also,in their universe there is no Coronation Street because Adam Rickett was on that and that also means they have never heard the immortal song "I breathe again"
Maybe in their universe there is a 7pm NZ soap where WE are all the stars? :0 It's almost just like inception.
Back to Scotty in the boot: Tracey calls him again and he groans and grunts and misses the call. He calls back though (phew!) and he is all "Tracey! Penny is nuts! she knocked me out!" and Tracey is like "have you called the cops?" and he is like "nah. they'd think i'm nuts". What? I don't think the police are in the habit of taking 111 calls and being all "haha yeah right! as if you are in the boot of a car bleeding out and being kidnapped! lol!"
So Tracey and Sarah are all "let's go! we have to find a traintrack by a bakery!" (Scotty smelt bread or something and they heard railway bell things) and so off they go! I am not sure why the police are not the ones doing this but oh well!
TRACEY USED TO BE A COP YOU KNOW!
Anyway, Penny stops the car and goes to open the boot. Scotty lamely tries to hit her with a shovel or something
But he sucks and she mocks him half heartedly. Then she goes on for a while about all the people she has killed including "Gary" and "Warren" who she succeeded in killing in a variety of fun-loving ways including "heart problems (?), "cars" and "drugs".
Meanwhile Tracey continues to flip out in the car ranting on about how bad the police are these days and how she should have known that Penny was a killer. She has a point, we all knew she was a crazy weeks ago! GET WITH THE PROGRAMME TRACEY
Penny forces Scotty to get a shovel and stumble towards a pile of dirt. She is carrying her rifle pretty badly and he has a shovel. He could, I think, easily shovel her right in the face but for some reason he just keeps on whinging and stumbling around in the mud.
See? He could take her head off in a second!
But he doesn't and instead Penny hilariously forces him to dig his own grave! OH PENNY! YOU ARE SO INVENTIVE AND INDUSTRIOUS
Scotty tries to convince Penny that she could still be a nurse if she just stops murdering him but she is all "I have a degree in chemistry. Why would I want to slum it for a living?". Well excuse me Miss Fancy Pants but last time I checked you need to get you some post grad shit to do anything in the science area, but really that is the least of my worries about this storyline so I guess I will let it slide.
Scotty continues to dig up rocks and listens to Penny tell us why she suddenly decided to kidnap Scotty, torture him and kill him instead of her cunning poison plan. The answer is "it was getting boring". I think we will all agree with that one. Scotty is all "maybe you're not cut out to be a killer" which is a pretty lame suggestion given that she has already murdered two of his friends. She is all "shut up or I will blow your head off" in the most unconvincing threat I have ever heard.
I know I said I wouldn't cover the boring Brooke storyline but these two scenes happened:
Yuck.
Anyway, back at murder site Penny is questioning Scotty on her dead father. Scotty is all "he was a talented athlete" and Penny is "THAT SUCKS TELL ME MORE! MUM NEVER TOLD ME ANYTHING EITHER" and Scotty says "Maybe she had her reasons" and Penny is all "ARGH! grumble grumble".
Tracey and Sarah, meanwhile, are busy smelling yeast and realise that they need to find a brewery not a bakery and zoom off to dispense some justice.
Penny demands that Scotty kneel so she maybe can execute him but then just grills him about the secret that no one will tell her about her dad. Scotty is all "yeah he was a horrible rapist!" and she's all "ARGH! NO! YOU LIAR!" and Scotty yells "THAT'S WHY WHEN GREG GOT SHOT I LET HIM SUFFER! I LET HIM DIE!!!" and then Penny spins around and shoots Scotty! He spins around and falls into his freshly dug grave.
Maybe he will soon go off to have some good old times with Shanti in the nurse's station in the sky?
Probably not though based on the fact that I have already seen tonight's episode and he didn't die. Shanti will have to wait a bit longer for the return of her angry prince. At least she will see Pete at work on Thursday.
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