JULY 28 2010 EPISODE

quick note: none of these images are from tonight's episode, they're just lazily copied from the most recent episode on the TVNZ website


So there's some boring garbage about how Chris and his puffy face is all of a sudden leading some kind of rebellion against the increasingly fabulous Callum. "His moral compass is dodgy!" he shrieks at his befringed former flame and current Callum succubus Rachel, who stands by her man, albeit with a few concessions.

"You are still left playing minder to Callum's ego, and I think there's a better match for you ... professionally speaking" Chris pleads, his words dripping with brutally unsubtle double meaning.

Meanwhile, Sarah returns to her house yabbering away about someone called Mike cutting someone called Wendy's hours, while Maxwell hangs out with some green. Then his awful bitch of a daughter and equally horrible ex-wife enter complaining about some kind of garbage, the daughter's dressed like a lumberjack.



Sarah has bought the daughter some kind of shitty backpack from a store called "Sapphire," which the daughter is all OH I LOVE IT BUT IT'S NOT ME and then that slut mother gets grumpy, complaining "next time you buy a gift you tell me"

CUT TO Hunter and that girl from Lovely Bones making out underneath a pile of laundry in their squalid shithole of a flat, when Sophie busts in wearing this stupid hat:



But don't worry, Brody's made an entrance, telling Hunter and that girl he's okay with them going out, because "why fight it when I can watch it?" Then he does some kind of sweet karate moves or some shit, where if you knew him in real life you'd be all "oh fuck off you obnoxious prick"

Meanwhile Callum is talking to CELEBRITY PATIENT SONNY BILL (once again, Shortland Street fails on subtlety) who is brutally bad at acting. Callum is pushing the surgery ahead! Predicted outcome: Chris will be bloated and grizzly.

Meanwhile Maxwell and Sarah are cooking dinner/standing next to some bags of things from the bulk food aisle of a supermarket and talking about trouble with kids, and WHY IS THERE A GIANT BAG OF SEEDS THERE? Nobody needs that many seeds, this is the worst. Maxwell's slut wife comes back and reveals she's going to get a job at Shortland Street hospital! Boy, this show spares no expense on new sets!

Oh no Chris is bloated and grizzly about the celebrity rugby player's surgery. "WHAT ABOUT THE 70 YEAR OLD WOMAN WHOSE SURGERY YOU JUST BUMPED" he snarls at Callum, who gradually becomes more incensed as the conversation continues, like the anger forgot he meant to be angry or something. Callum uses the threat of BAD PUBLICITY to force Chris into being complicit in the surgery!



Meanwhile, Sophie's still wearing a stupid hat while she's at her house watching TV and getting mysterious phone calls, possibly from her curly-haired paramour? She seems pretty creeped out AND WE GO INTO THE FIRST AD-BREAK

Jesus. I hope they put Brooke into this episode soon. Really don't like Maxwell's slut wife and daughter.

oh jesus Dominic Bowden is on an ad, that guy is seriously the worst, one time I insulted him in real life true story

"oh hey Gabrielle what are you cooking for dinner?"
"mind your own fucking business"

I have to wonder what David Kilgour thinks about that yoghurt ad that uses "Tally Ho" by the Clean, as played on the ukulele and toy piano

oh man I love the lady on the Big Save ads, I hope she gets a part on Shortland Street soon

THE SHOW'S BACK ON BETTER PAY SOME SERIOUS ATTENTION

Sophie's got a coffee and is getting angry at Kieran, who's being smug and english, and jesus he's a terrible guy. OH HERE'S MAIA SHE WANTS A BABYSITTER cut to someone dropping a plate. Maia I think wants to unleash some harsh lesbian justice on Sophie's ringlet-infused stalker, Sophie cocks an eyebrow in response

Oh good, Maxwell's slut wife has turned out to be a nurse at Shortland Street, and that god damned Wendy with her smug god damned face is milling about like some kind of tramp

There's gonna be trouble ahead when no one can tell the difference between Maxwell's slut wife and Tania, who both look pretty much exactly the same

Turns out Maxwell's slut wife is having the same reaction as everyone else to Wendy, and she hates her

Meanwhile Chris is bloated and grumpy and wearing purple and telling the angry staff about celebrity surgery. Meanwhile, Nicole recognises the rugby player's name, because she's like a lesbian or something I guess. Chris is sowing seeds of discontent with Rachel, who looks old and affronted, but everyone knows it's only a matter of time before he sticks it to her.

Kieran is talking to Brody at the bar, but Brody's a prick as usual. Kieran's telling Brody all about how Ash is some kind of curly haired creep from hell, and he's still smug and looks more like a chimp than ever

AND GERALD MAKES HIS JULY 28 DEBUT. Then he gets kicked out of the room so Rachel can yell at Callum about celebrity rugby surgery SERIOUSLY THIS IS BULLSHIT SHORTLAND STREET WHO CARES. GOD I HOPE WHOEVER WROTE THIS SCRIPT CHOKES ON THEIR OWN BILE AND IT IS INEXPLICABLY TURNED INTO ITS OWN STORYLINE ON SHORTLAND STREET, THEREBY COMING FULL CIRCLE

And Gerald's back!

And now Maxwell's slut wife is bonding with Wendy about children. And Wendy just used the word "rad," which I guess is something? Oh but nothing lasts forever, and Maxwell's slut wife is getting angry at Wendy again. Wendy's life must be pretty horrible, I mean everyone's always real mean to her. Probably it's because of her sickening clown face

AD BREAK TWO

WHY IS THERE A FRENCH GUY IN THE BEDS R US ADS?

If I was on contraceptive, you know I'd take Yaz contraceptive. Real good aesthetic.

AND WE'RE BACK

A phone rings, but Sophie, now not wearing a hat, isn't answering. It stops, then it starts ringing again. For ages. Way to build up tension, Shortland Street. Sophie turns on lights, lets the phone ring. Oh but it's just Yvonne on the phone! Better heard than seen, I guess. Why was Yvonne so keen to get hold of Sophie? My money's on WHO CARES

Rugby celebrity surgery is over, and Chris is looking pretty happy with himself. And Callum's here with the media! "How about a photo doc?" the rugby player says. "You're the star player this time" OH FUCK OFF



Meanwhile the lesbians are home, Sophie's job babysitting is done. Nicole thoughtfully offers Sophie an arbitrary "burly Samoan man" to show her to her car. Sophie's descent into madness is ably shown in a scene where Sophie howls into the night, before a loud banging sound and the camera pans to show ASH'S GRINNING FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So now Sophie's at the hospital being consoled inexplicably by Yvonne and a bald man with a ludicrous beard. Why Yvonne? Where did this come from? They're not friends

Oh, Kieran broke into Ash's house and is going to dispense some SMUG JUSTICE

"Ethics. I may not have a fancy degree, but I think it's time I taught you a thing or two." Oh Kieran, you suck so bad when you try and be sinister. I guess he's about to dish out some violence?

Oh Maxwell's slut wife is home! And, of course, she's being mean to Sarah. No wonder her partner beat her in Wellington, jesus who would want to deal with that shrill hussy



AND NOW KIERAN IS TORTURING ASH while some sweet opera music plays in what is probably the most homoerotic scene in Shortland Street history. DRUM FILL AND FADE TO BLACK.

What a god damned trainwreck.