Oh hey Penny! Why are you batshit insane?

Because I haven't seen shortland street in the last 4 days I have no idea what's going on. So I thought I should probably do some research before I just jump straight into this episode's review so I randomly clicked on one of the on demand episodes. I was talking to my parents on the phone at the same time and I was trying to make easymac for dinner so I wasn't really paying enough attention to put this in context but for some reason (POISON REASONS I THINK) it is really important that Hunter ate Scotty's butter chicken and Hunter and Scotty are talking about meat pie sandwiches in the staff room.

Hunter: "Pie sandwich? As in meat pie in a sandwich?"
Scotty: "I'm telling you, they were the business! You'd nuke a microwave pie get two doorstops of white bread, smother them with butter, add tomato sauce"
Hunter: I'd hate to think what that did to your arteries" DON'T WORRY ABOUT HIS ARTERIES HUNTER YOUR GIRLFRIEND OR MAYBE EX-GIRLFRIEND IS SLOWLY POISONING HIM! CLOGGED ARTERIES ARE THE LEAST OF HIS WORRIES!

I tried to google "pie sandwich" but all I kept getting was this photo



Anyway so Penny comes in and Hunter burps really loudly and espouses on the virtue of dead Shanti's glorious curry recipe and Penny realises Hunter ate it and not Scotty and makes this face:



Sarah and Wendy nurse get in a lift and discuss finances. This scene is boring and really got me questioning the efficiency of the Shortland Street lifts. How many stories do you think Shortland Street hospital has? Do we know? I tried to do some research and the best I could do was find this opening shot:



I am almost certain that level 5 is not a floor really but a rooftop where Tiffany fell but let's just say for argument's sake that there are 5 floors to travel. Say that Sarah and Wendy were going from ground to the roof (which is unusual but they could also want to fall off the roof) then the journey took them 34.58 seconds. That is a pretty long time to travel that far. I tried to find out what the average lift escalation rate was but since I am not the best at google I couldn't really find out my answer.



But I am fairly confident that 34.58 seconds to go up a maximum of 5 floors is not what you would want or expect from a hospital lift where speed and efficiency should surely be of utmost importance. Next time you are in a lift you should maybe take note of how long it takes you to go up 5 floors (WITHOUT STOPPING MIND YOU) and see if it is 34.58 seconds. I bet its not.

Anyway, Penny sneaks throw-up drugs into Hunter's apple juice and then challenges him to a series of toasts about her being sorry, them getting back together, committing slow murder etc etc and they are back on! He obediently vomits. It's pretty unfair really because now he is going to blame poor dead Shanti's curry recipe for his ensuing barf fest which is the LAST thing she needs.

Blah blah blah Maia/Brooke/Isaac showdown at the IV it's boring, I skipped through that. Suddenly it's the next morning and Isaac and Brooke and Gerald are up at 6:30. Gerald is off to work but Isaac suggests they go out for breakfast. AT 6:30!!! If someone suggested to me to get up and go eat at 6:30 I would smash them over the head with last nights dishes. One by one. But they are all "oh yeah! cool! Breakfast in the dark!". Isaac suggests "The Penlington" and Gerald expresses his horror at this! Apparently "The Penlington" is very expensive and high faluting. In 2008, when we had just moved to Wellington and didn't know what a shithole Karori West was, we used to live in a ramshackle flat perched on top of a hill on a street called "Penlington Place". It was the opposite of high faluting. It had mice, a door which flew open in the wind, a cat door with no flap 2 metres off the ground, a sliding door which opened to a 5 metre drop and a mysterious stain on the bedroom carpet which turned out to be wax. In my mind Isaac is inviting Brooke to this flat, accurately called "The Crapshack" by one of our old flatmates. Brooke and Isaac could stick it to each other surrounded by mice and end up with wax encrusted backs. Brooke could suddenly get coy and try to make an escape but in her hurry choose the wrong door and wrench open the sliding door plummeting metres to the cold hard ground below.

That's not what happened though.

Oh, while I was lost in my imaginary Penlington adventure Wendy has been on the phone to her man "Murray" about the power being cut off. She is so going to use the shortland street social club money as her own personal treasure trove in the nearish future since she just became the treasurer. What a boring storyline. She implores him "babe! I will deal with this! please trust me babe!". I absolutely HATE the word "babe" if anyone ever sincerely called me babe I would do bad bad things. Like use the last of the toilet paper and hide the remote. Absolute deal breaker.

Wendy tries to do the right thing and give Nicole (social club boss) the eftpos card and receipt but Nicole is all "oh you look after all that crap, I just have fun!". This is what my sister, a budding accountant, would call a serious "lack of internal controls. Wendy will soon be led down the path of vice and sin THANKS NICOLE.

Maxwell has opinions about litter in his only scene tonight "People who leave empty bottles on the beach should be shot. Correction, people who leave ANY litter on the beach should be shot". He should probably run for ACT on that platform.

Nicole is trying to convince random people to join the netball team including this extra



She doesn't want to be in the netball team. She has no lines so she indicates this by shaking her head slowly multiple times and staring. Also, for some reason "advertisement' is plastered across her head and I don't know how to get it off. Embarrassing!

Okay? I think I am kind of caught up on what happened recentlyish?

NOW on to TONIGHT'S EPISODE!!!!!

Boring boring, Wendy drama, looks like her kid stole money from the social club eftpos card? But she is getting blamed for it? Or is THAT a ruse? No interest in this storyline sorry! Well, apart from the fact that Yvonne announces that Libby used to steal lollies from the pick'n'mix at supermarkets! YAY LIBBY! Oh and also this is Wendy's son Evan. He hates her this much.



Brooke does this face



Gerald is getting told off by Callum for taking a break and thus delaying the budgets or something equally boring BUT Gerald denies he had a long break, he says "15 minutes no more! But then I had to WAIT AGES FOR THE LIFT!" This is the kind of internal consistency that really gets my juices going! So now we KNOW that the Shortland Street lifts ARE IN FACT UNUSUALLY SLOW! AND we know that the password to Shortland Street's online banking account is SHORTY111.

Shorty: Courtesy of the internet
1)A spiteful term used to address a vertically challenged human being.
Hey shorty, how's the weather down under?
2)affectionate term for a girlfriend, attractive female or concubine.
ie: Yo shorty, it's your birthday

3)A term contrived by some asshole or group of assholes to mean a sexy or attractive female.
I buy mah shorty diamonds and call her shorty because she is very sexy yet has the brains of a turtle and thinks shorty is a cute adorable term instead of what it really is. Another mindless slang invented by people that live their lives in dance clubs.
related: slut whore bitch club rat female.

4)When one defecates instead of farting.
Dude, i just did a shorty. Man i thought it was safe.
Bro you better clean that up before it creeps down your leg.

And finally, and most eloquently

5)A hooker u c tat u liek teh lool of
yo shoyte (shorty) cum ova here an let me Fuck u blind
shoyte shore-t shortie bitch u

All in all, the perfect choice of passwords for Yvonne.

I got a text from my friend Erin during this episode saying "PENNY'S LIES ARE UNRAVELING!" and now I see what she meant! Penny is ACTUALLY called "Paula Sinclair" and Brodie is closing in on her and her web of lies! But as we know that this sort of high tension drama must be prolongued for a while longer I am thinking she has a clever, probably "woe is me" lie up her sleeve. And oh. She does. "OH THAT'S MY PIG OF A FATHER'S NAME! HE MADE MY MOTHER KILL HERSELF! SOB SOB SOB LOOK AT ME DOING THIS CRYING FACE THING"



Hunter is comforting and Brodie is thoroughly ashamed. That bitch better get her come uppance soon making cool guy have to put on his sad face.



Wendy's son makes this face: still featuring advertisement.



The ads are on. Today I saw "The Collector". It was fucking disgusting. But I also saw a delightful cat on the Dixon St steps so that was lovely?

Oh, um So Penny "Paula" is now entrapping Brodie into a pseudo-sexual assault storyline. She manhandles him into a kiss-thing and he is all "STOP WHAT ARE YOU DOING!??!?" and she is all "ARGH RAPE MYTHS! WOMEN LIE ABOUT THIS KIND OF THING ALL THE TIME! JUST ASK PROFESSIONAL SPORTS TEAMS" and then Hunter shows up and she screams "ARGH! Get off me!" and her crafty plan has worked! Hunter thinks Brodie is a sexual deviant and Penny is a beautiful flower.



AND CLIFFHANGER!

When will we get to find out exactly what the hell is going on with this nutbag and why isn't Scotty dead yet? And will we EVER find out why Tania is part Maori? ENQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW!!??!??!