Lessons in crime: Tuesday 28th September

I had better start by saying that I haven't seen an episode of shortland street in maybe a week? I have no clue what's going on save for being told that there is some shit about a stolen bike and mistaken bike-dentity? If this is what I think it is then this storyline has already been covered in 1993 by Full House:
The Bicycle Thief Episode.

Synopsis:
"A bicycle watch group is formed when Michelle reports that her bicycle is stolen. In a strange turn of events Danny, Jesse and Joey turn into the thieves by mistake".



"Michelle tells the family that her bicycle is missing, so the family starts a search for it. Later on, Danny, Jesse, and Joey have each brought home a bicycle that looks like Michelle's, but it turns out that none of the three bikes belong to Michelle. At the same time, the disappearances of the three bikes is being investigated by Crime Catchers, a neighborhood watch program led by Mrs. Carruthers, who works at the school Michelle goes to. After the 3 bikes are returned to their rightful owners, it turns out that Michelle had forgotten that she left her own bike at Derek's house".



I know this isn't a picture of a bicycle but there is a donkey or something.
While researching this information for accuracy (this blog is all about accuracy) I found this potentially fantastic website

http://fullhousereviewed.wordpress.com/page/2/
I don't know how to link this properly. Please do go to the effort of copy and pasting this into your searchy bar thing. I think you will find it well worth it. Actually you may want to just close this blog and go read the other blog until you fall asleep. It's that absorbing. Please don't though. I need validation.

Since we are discussing the fullest of houses check out this creeptastic/mindblowing video



Anyway, back to current bike storylines. Something with Ula and Wendy-kid and Chris-kid stealing someone's bike but the wrong bike and Ula was seen and so the paper was all



And since I am not the journalist here I can't say for sure but I am PRETTY sure this is not standard practice... The Ferndale Gazette (?) must have very low standards/oh I forgot that Sophie used to work for them without any qualifications/probably just interviewed her friends about their daily goingsabout and/or potential defamations they would like to make.

I don't know anything about defamation. I am just really anti the Ferndale Gazette right now. Bunch of right wing pricks. I am assuming.

Anyway, Maxwell and Sarah grill Ula about the whole bike/water thing and Sarah makes these faces





She really needs a good rest and a break from all this family crap. Wasn't that the reason she ditched TK? Now she has Ula to deal with who won't stop either bullying, vandalising, starting gay rumours or lusting after rural sons of rich surgeons. That can't be good for the old MS.

It seems that since last time I watched Isaac and Tania have split up? Good I guess? Now Isaac can maybe go bone Brooke? She's more his type I think.


Meanwhile, over at Millionaire Mansion Wendy-kid comes over to see Chris-Kid. Wendy-kid tries to convince Chris-Kid not to do anything and keep their dirty little secret. He makes a pretty strong case if these faces are anything to go by







And now for SOME reason Bella (that despicable receptionist fruit of Wendy's angry loins) is Callum's PA? Or she is Callum's PA's PA? This makes a LOT of sense, wouldn't you want this as the public face of you as your own personal Callum brand?



Some posh English guy (I am assuming the guy who took the Libby/Gerald job from under their noses) thinks Bella is a good idea? She really has experienced a meteoric rise from beauty school dropout to PA to the CEO of a hospital. I guess its like the time Lei Mei went from medical student who spoke no English to fully naturalised NZ accent brain surgeon in six months only to die of some horrible disease the night she got her dream job via the earliest form of skype.

Anyway, I really hate this stupid Bella character



"The diary! Just where Gerald said it would be! It's like falling off a log. Like me. Cos the job's easy like me falling off a log". THIS IS NOT FUNNY THIS IS PAINFUL

Meanwhile, we join Tania and TK on some kind of pre-romantic wander through the hospital grounds. Tania is all sassy and what I assume is meant to be flirty and sexy? What follows is the worst approximation of sexual tension/witty banter/chemistry/human interaction maybe ever captured on film.

(awkward silence)"Oh Libby left with Gerald. I am not allowed to mention the Green card. OOPS I mentioned it lol"
TK (awkward silence)
Tania:(offering TK a bun or something) "Oh don't be shy"

TK: "Oh wahine first"



Tania: "Don't be silly, manuhiri first"



TK: "If you insist, hehe"

AND THEN THEIR HANDS TOUCH IN THE BUN BAG



They are both like "ha ha ha oh sexy oh ha ha" and it is THE LEAST sexy thing I have seen and I have seen Ben and Yvonne make out.

Oh Chris figures out that his kid is a thief. It's pretty lame.

Back at the sexy park Tania and TK are awkwardly chatting about nothing on a park bench. TK doesn't really do much to help the conversation progress except for sitting like a male model in a cleo "Bachelor of the Year" contest and relying on his old TK charm to pull him through such unconvincing romantic situations.



When in doubt do this



And this



HE IS GOING TO MAKE HER SQUEAL!

At Chris' house there is some makeshift worship going on or something?



Oh I see, they are acting contrite. The panel of parents decide to scare them with a trip to the cells. Whatever, boring boring.

Tania and TK are STILL enduring the worst date ever. TK walks past a rubbish bin and slam dunks his bun rubbish "HE AIIMS AND HE SHOOTS" Tania "OWWWWW! HE SCORES! WOOOOO!" TK "Naturally" . Then they start rambling on about netball Tania is all "you are all over the opposition like a ....uh.... rash" TK "oh a netball strain of dermatitus" LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL. NEVER EVER BREED.

Then TK trips over a chain fence and they promptly make out. He bites his lip like this to show us that he wants to devour Tania, preferably whole.



Blah blah Tania is making a sexy dangerous meal for TK. Brooke is meddling trying to get in the way of TK and Tania and it works! Tania is all bummed. Although really,once your husband has made a secret baby with your lesbian sister then a guy not showing up for dinner is really nothing. She should learn not to sweat the small stuff. Anyway, we leave our fair maiden all gussied up for a night of TK lovin' but with no TK to love. When will she win? Probably never. If the writers were still cribbing storylines from Full House then I guess Tania could marry uncle Jesse and have twin boys and live in the basement/attic/whatever. Isn't it scandalous how Stephanie Tanner became a meth addict and somewhat less scandalous that DJ became an evangelical christian? Bring some of THAT to shortland street and it would spice up these dull mid season plots.

I was trying to find some kind of witty and or meth addicty full house photo to end this post but it was pretty slim pickings. I did come across this rather sad "more like" creation which really plumbs the depths of "more like" humour.

Oh god.



Please bring back the ferndale strangler, I know some characters well past their expiration date.






and